When we first think of endometriosis we think the worst feeling of it all is the pain. The dreaded sunken pain that wells up in our abdomen. Or perhaps you might feel that the worst feeling is all the hormonal upheaval of it all and how you can’t seem to feel like a normal person – you feel either really down or hyper excited.
Perhaps you think the worst feeling is the endless questioning of what is going on inside your body and the terrible anxiety that builds up around all of that. The endless thinking and worrying that endo is spreading and that you simply have no control over any of it.
Or maybe you feel like the worst thing about endo is that no-one truly understands and that you wish somehow your voice could be heard. That someone would listen and appreciate just how much you are truly struggling with it all.
Maybe for you, it is the mask that you put on to the world, that you resent more than anything. The feeling like you can’t really be yourself or express how much pain you are really in because you don’t want others to think you are just seeking attention or even worse, that they share some weak attempt at sympathy. You’d rather be strong and have others not know what is going on… or would you?
Or perhaps you are more like me. That the worst feeling of all is actually the feeling of letting others around you down. The inability to stick to your word. The having to go home early because you are just too sore to carry on. The endless apologizing and hoping that others understand. Whether it is letting your boss down at work or your friends down at a party or even harder, letting your husband down in bed, it is all the worst feeling in the world. The having to simply accept that you can’t push through anymore and that sadly in doing so, you have to let others down.
I think for me, that feeling was the worst because I consider myself to be someone who follows through on her word. Someone you can count on and someone who is there for others and when my body went against that, it really frustrated me so much. It made me feel incredibly powerless against the endo. The ironic thing is that perhaps because I am always that dependable person who gives so much, I probably exhausted myself on some level which of course indirectly affected my health and well-being.
I know this is not one of my usual hopeful and uplifting posts but I always want to share some of the harder sides of endo so you know you are not alone in any of it. I have been there sweetheart and I also know that you can get to a place where you can be there for others and where endo doesn’t control your life.
There was one day in particular that stands out in my journey with endo. I was visiting my aunt in Germany and she had spoken about really wanting to create a fishpond in her backyard. My husband and I naturally chipped in to help. The trouble with having fish in Germany is that the fishpond needs to be deep enough so when the water freezes over, the fish can swim to the bottom of the pond and still survive. This means the pond needs to be super deep – like more than a meter and a half deep. Well, you can imagine how much digging that required!
So, we began digging and digging and we eventually took a break for lunch and I went for a little visit to the toilet – as you do. Well, I had discovered that my period had arrived. It was a complete surprise and what was even more amazing is that here I was digging in the warm sun and working quite physically hard and I had experienced absolutely no pain. It honestly felt like a huge achievement because if that had been a year or two before that, I would most certainly not have been helping out and would have probably been laying in bed, resting, while my husband did all the work.
I guess what I want to reveal with all of this is that all those nasty things you currently believe to be the worst feelings of having endo can be taken from your life and your thoughts. You can get to a place where endo doesn’t feature and you can do all you want to do. No more letting people down and no more feeling defeated.
I want that more than anything in the world for you sweetheart.
You deserve to live a normal life and I know it is possible. Please know that you can.