For a very long time I struggled with my relationship with my parents. I grew up in a very German household and to me, it felt very unsupported, unloving and highly critical. I felt really distant from my parents as my sister and I grew up in South Africa and culturally we were quite different from the traditional German culture. Principles and doing things right were often more important than just giving love and support in situations.
It has taken me years to accept that there are different ways to live and there are different principles to live by and that my way is not necessarily right or wrong but merely different. It has taken me even more years to acknowledge that my mother’s endless criticisms and corrections on how I looked, what I wore and what job I held were not done out of spite or pain but as her way of protecting me and ensuring I got the best out of life, from her viewpoint. Looking good and being presentable, reliable and hard-working were principles that allowed her to achieve many great things in her life and she was merely passing on experiences that had worked for her.
I let go of the pain around this. I let go of the pain that I always felt around not being good enough for them or that my job wasn’t enough to make them proud or that my partner or friends were not “enough” for them. What I realized is that ultimately I needed to do the things that made me happy and when I did that, they would see that I was happy and it wouldn’t be an area that they felt they needed to “fix”. I must admit I used many techniques to allow myself to release this pain. At first I tried psychotherapy and simply talking it all out with a therapist but this just seemed to make me feel worse and like more of a victim.
Eventually, I discovered that the pain I was experiencing was merely a perception I had about myself. That there was an inner child in me that felt unloved, not worthy and that wanted approval. Yes, I could partly have blamed my parents for this inner child yearning but I believe we all feel this on some level, no matter how wonderful our parents have been towards us. It is a voice that grows inside of us and when we figure this out, we can traced its source but more importantly we can release the emotional pain around it.
I believe it is the emotional pain around words, situations or experiences that we need to release and then we can accept and forgive and move forward.
I did this with a technique I discovered over a year ago. It is called Emotional Freedom Technique and it does exactly that, it releases the pain and emotions we feel about something. It does this incredibly well. When I first heard about this technique I couldn’t believe how simple it was and had serious doubts that it would work at all. It did and it is super easy to do and allows us all to release anger, resentment or pain around anything we might be feeling.
It is funny because it seems that many of us with endometriosis seem to have struggles with our relationships with our parents. Many of us have a particular struggle with our mothers. I know for me, I got along much better with my dad than my mom. She was always the hard one, the critical one and the one that struggled to show any real love and affection. I used to actually find that my endo would flare up whenever I visited her. I believe this was all the tension and stress I felt around those hectic emotions.
It is interesting to me because endometriosis seems to have found its way into that area of our bodies. That area where babies are made and our family lineage is extended. The ties to our mothers become more intensified when we are looking at having a child. We reflect more on our own upbringing and what we would do differently. We reflect on how she would have felt carrying us and somehow, as much as we want to close off our relationship with our mothers sometimes, we are drawn back to her connection with us.
What is your relationship with your mom? Your dad? Do you believe that there could be a connection here? Does your endo flare up when you are around them?
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Thanks for sharing Mirela. Hugs for all that you have been through. You are not alone sweetheart and know that there are so many of us that have felt these things 🙂
I was an unwanted child, my father was dissapointed I am a girl and has always rejected me. He left when I were twelve and he has been unreachable ever since. My mother has been dominant, emotionally unavailable, physically aggressive till I was 19, always tried to interfere between me and my friends/lovers and she always made me feel I am not good enough.
I am 34 and just officially discovered my endo, even though I’d been suspecting for about 10y now.
I’m certain there is a connection
Hugs sweetheart 🙂
Thank you so much Melissa I needed this beyond words today! I appreciate you sharing your journey and knowledge from the bottom of my heart. Blessings. ❤️
Hi Chira, I wish you well! I want to let you know how easy I quit smoking after 20+ years of trying. I did 2 things… Even while I was outside on the porch smoking, I started saying I’m so thankful I no longer smoke. I’m so thankful I quit smoking. I’m so thankful I gave cigarettes up. I’m so thankful I no longer have cigarette cravings. I was tricking my mind and body into not wanting them. I did this for over a month off and on, not being consistent because I would forget to say it. Then I started feeling sick and I knew I needed to quit so I took it serious. I asked God to please take away the cravings and I told my cousin if God honored it, I was done. I started saying I’m so thankful I quit non stop. Within a month, I ran out of cigarettes one day and thought is this the day I quit. God can I make it without going to the store to buy more? I didn’t tell anyone, just blew it off as hummm maybe I can do this. I put no pressure on myself and if I had a craving, I would immediately pray over and over until the craving passed, God please replace the craving with your love. It was so easy! 20 earlier years of torture trying to stop on my own was a nightmare. God is good and can break any addiction if asked and trusted. I gave thanks as well after every craving. I may have only had a week or two of cravings, if that. I was shocked at how easy it was with God on my side. I also had major stressors going on in my life at the same time that normally would make a smoker smoke more. Haven’t had a cigarette in years now. The only thing I missed was what to do with my fingers. I started writing. Wrote anything… lists that I didn’t follow, prayers, family memories, letters, research, book ideas, songs, all kinds of notebooks. Good luck!
Thanks for sharing ur feelings and experiences. I’m Italian and although endo has been recently recognized as invalidating by a specificare law, people still ignore how it can make us feel. Moreover, thanks to ur app, Melissa, I’m learning again how to write a Journal about how I feel and what I ate. I have been smoking cigarettes for a very long time and thanks to ur app I’m trying to keep trace of the number I smoke in a day, so that I can eventually give up for good. This will definetely help me get rid of pain due to bad habits. Last but not least, thanks for this article. With the help of a karma therapist, and hypnosis I have had the chance to understand what u said. And I’m working to get back my true inner goddess that had been eaten by my mother’s attempts to protect me (though, Just like urs, she was too harsh and judgmental). I’m trying to forgive and let go. Good food, less cigarettes, relaxing yoga sessions and meditation are helping a lot. So I hope (this is my Wish) I’ll bè pregnant soon and an excellent mother…
That is awesome Laura 🙂 So happy you met Anna! She is fabulous!
Yes perhaps 🙂 I think we can heal so much by forgiving and letting the anger go. So happy you are still following 🙂
Thank you for this insight Melissa. I think you might be onto something. I have had huge issues with my mum since early childhood. Still now in my mid 30’s i am angry at her for always putting me down and making me feel useless. Maybe it does have a connection with endo……
Yes, very much so
Great article Melissa,
I have wondered along similar lines.. I too have a less than glowing relationship with my mother and had a horrific upbringing.
I was raised being told I was lesser as a female and a liability due to things like pregnancy.. Sex was a very strange poorly represented topic in my household. I would at times as a teenager following intensely stressful situations have pelvic pain, one time I even bled abruptly!
As a woman I think I sent really negative energy to the part of me which truly made me a woman, I had shame, fear, resentment, sense of worthlessness and a total lack of power all focused on my womb.
It’s only been in very recent times I have embraced myself, learned to nurture and love my goddess and have healed a lot.
Thank you for the wonderful article Melissa. After your recommendation I had EFT with Anna Wilde last year and it was definitely one of the pivotal points on my healing journey. I actually realised I held so much guilt for some of the crisis moments I had put my parents though in my teens. It’s not so important here to go into what actually happened, just that the guilt I held towards what I perceived as a failure towards to my parents was making me ill! With the help of you, EFT, reiki and cranio sacral therapy I have finally come to terms with my endo, can actively manage it and I have my life back, mostly pain free!!! It’s all about balance and I see that if I get some pain it’s a warning sign that I need to get back in balance and back to nature. I am now perusing a future with healing for others and I wanted to say a heart felt thank you for all of the lives you are changing with your blog. Lots of love to you xxxxx <3