I sometimes get these feelings. They come out of nowhere and I don’t even know why they pop up. Actually, that is a lie… I do know why… it is usually some silly girly movie or something a friend says about what their partner did for them or something like that. Well, it triggers this nasty feeling in me… you probably know the one I mean… the one where you start to doubt whether your partner or friends or family really love you. It is a horrible one but sadly, I know it well. It starts with a simple thought, like “I don’t know if James would ever do that for me” or “my sister and I certainly wouldn’t do that for each other” and it just goes downhill from there. It is not even anything James has particularly done or not done but the nagging thought of “does he really love me?” takes over.
I know, this is totally silly and these days it is much easier, since I can look at my new diamond ring on my finger to confirm that James really does love me, but the truth is, that nasty feeling has dominated my life for years. It used to dominate everything about who I was and what friends I had and even the partners I chose. I often made poor decisions, where I chose people who were perhaps “a little odd” or “needy”, because that way I knew that they would almost be loyal to me, not perhaps for the right reasons but hey, at least they would stick around.
Thing is, this feeling actually affects my relationships on so many levels. Do you find this with your relationships?
I know that Endometriosis causes us to have extreme emotions and I have always blamed “the hormones” for my sudden feelings of sadness or emptiness but I am beginning to wonder if there is more to this than initially meets the eye. What if we actually share this feeling together? This feeling of emptiness of “not feeling loved enough.”
Thing is, it actually would affect so many aspects of our healing, beyond just that emotion. Think about this for a moment: if we are seeking love from others all the time, the shift in diet and needing to be different would make this really hard. We want to fit in, we want to be loved within that group of friends and now we have to be difficult, different and that could potentially damage that. It is an inner tug of war. I actually realized this today. The shift to eat differently involves so much more than just personal discipline. It involves standing up for your body’s health, even when everyone else puts their body’s health second.
I had this horrible habit with my work. I would work extra hours, do more and triple check everything I did. I always did more than everyone else. Why? I think the reason was simple. I wanted my boss’s approval more than anything. It was some kind of confirmation that I was good enough. That I was worthy and yes, I was important enough. It caused me extreme levels of stress to constantly overperform and I used to always stress that what I had done wasn’t enough.
In school I felt my friendship and company were worth so little that I would bring bags of sweets to work, just to get others to hang out with me. The saddest part of the day was inevitably when the bag of sweets would run out!
I know I have come so far from these days of self-doubt, low self-esteem and just not loving myself enough. It is partly through getting Endometriosis that I had to change my thoughts about myself. The stress at work was affecting my Endo and this in turn made me sore, which affected my work and it was just this horrible circle, like a dog chasing its tail! Eventually I had to stop and question why… why I was working so hard to impress the boss. What I discovered was that I closely related this need to get approval to wanting the approval of my mom, through an EFT session, I might add.
Through finally deciding that I was worth more than just an experimental laboratory body piece, I searched for different answers to healing and discovered natural healing. I won’t lie, it is not an easy path to choose because we have to go against the mainstream. Through that natural healing process, I have had the amazing privileges of healing my emotions, and that gnawing feeling of “am I enough?”, “do they love me enough?” has diminished incredibly.
I strongly believe that our diet plays a massive role in how we think, our emotions, our sadness and our joys. If we are full of energy, we are unlikely to fill that energy with depression and sadness.
We are going to feel vital! Alive! In that state I believe we can really create and inspire! To me, food does that. Superfoods do that and real definitive healing does that!
Endometriosis teaches us so much about reducing stress, how to cope with emotions, how to deal with pain and most importantly, how to focus on the positive and take back the power that is ours… healing our own body!
Have you been there? Are you experiencing this emotion right now? Would love to hear from you and hopefully know that it is related to Endo on some level…
This Post Has 12 Comments
It does get easier Crystal. Just believe that you can get through it and that your relationships are there in your life for a reason 🙂
I can relate. IT has been destroying my marriage so much.
With all of this great support I am striving on!
Great articles Mel!
Glad I could be here for you Amanda. I know endo makes us feel alone but the truth is, we never really are. There is someone in the world feeling what you are feeling right now and that is some sense of comfort – to me! I would look at getting onto some support groups. There are heaps on Facebook and plenty of lovely girls that can make you feel better. Try mine or type in Endometriosis support in the search box 🙂
It does get easier hun. Just hang in there and keep going. Big hugs 🙂
🙂 it feels so good to have someone write you back because I really needed it today. I had some bad pain for the past week & its been horrible. I’m feeling ok now.. just in bed as always dealing with this. Just again, with the feeling alone part is not the best feeling in the world. To just want to be loved is all we ever want & not to feel alone. I hate waking up every morning since I was diagnosed that I am alone. When can I ever be happy withing my own life, family, relationship & just overall live freely without pain & suffering. I wouldn’t ever want anyone to feel what I feel on a day to day basis. Even though sometimes Id wish they feel it so that they can relate & finally understand but, yet again I was wrong they don’t. They can say so much to try & make you feel better. At the end of the day, its what you feel. We just want to be accepted & live a normal life.
Thanks Hannah! I only recognise these things sometimes when I have had time to reflect on my past relationships! Funny how much better things are when we decide who we are going to have in our lives! Positive people only please 🙂
Wow, reading this felt so uncanny! Thanks for putting it all into words. I definitely have had a pattern of friendships and other relationships where it is all so one-sided on my part, keeping these people in my life despite the fact that they are are “a little odd” or just plain needy. Thanks for your insightful perspective!
It is nice to meet you 🙂
I have found those that really love us, actually love the ups and downs just as much! You are never alone sweetie! Hugs, Melissa
I am in the same boat with you about having this endo. It hasn’t been a pleasant ride for me as well. If only I could know how to deal with this & having a normal life as well. I would really like to get in touch with more women that are going through the exact same thing I am. I loved the article because again I can also relate to this as well.
Please Darlene! Glad I am not alone in this emotion 🙂
i feel like u r a genius!
So true. I’ve always felt this way… always seeking my mother’s approval, love and acceptance (to this day I still don’t have it!). Always the perfectionist and being needy, being friends with others even though they don’t put the effort in to be mine. I love your blog.. so much great info. Thank you!
I can definitely relate…Great article!