I had this very strange dream last night. It was one of those stress dreams – you know the ones, where you are rushing or under time pressure or running etc. Well in this dream, I dreamt I stole a baby. It wasn’t someone’s actual baby but it was a doll that looked exactly like a baby. It was strange cos I also stole a laptop in this dream. I know I value my laptop more than anything and it kinda got me thinking why I would feel the need to steal a baby – even though it wasn’t a real one. Stealing to me is a thing we do, when feel we can’t have something. Like we want it, can’t afford it or have it, so we steal it. – my psycho analysis on the theory anyways!
I know for many of you reading my blog, having a child is the biggest reason you want to heal from Endometriosis. To you, that is the reason to do all of this and it gives you more motivation than anything. To me, having a child has just not been a massive decision to heal myself. I can’t say my life revolves around it. Thing is, I started to question this on a massive scale today…..
I remember the night I realised my problems down there were related to my womanly bits. I think I inwardly knew that it meant I would struggle to have a child of my own. I remember weaping like I had already lost a child….
Years later, I went on a course which my Gynaecologist suggested. It was based around the psychology of having Endometriosis and recognising stress triggers and how to reduce those. Though the course was beneficial from that point of view, it did leave a deep fear in me….
See, the thing was that all the women in the group were much older than me. They would share their personal stories about their struggles with endometriosis and most importantly their struggles to fall pregnant. Some had been through 5 IVF treatments and had still had no luck. They were genuinely torn up about this. Their whole lives seemed to revolve around having a child and everything else didn’t seem to matter. Without a child, their life was meaningless. I struggled with this more than perhaps I acknowledged at the time. It was depressing, sad and they all looked so hopeless and lost.
It is that time of my life now where I kinda have to make a decision if I want to have a child and whether James and I should be trying for a child. (we just got engaged in December 🙂 ) I am wondering if I have indirectly talked myself out of wanting a child as I don’t want to go through the struggles that so many women go through with Endometriosis. Like it is harder to want it and not have it, than to not want it and focus on other things. Perhaps I am protecting myself from the pain of not getting a child, even after all of the treatments I have done on my body. What if all of it still doesn’t work and I still land up like those women, waiting each month, hoping that their body signals that they are pregnant?
I am always saying to James that we should do as many things as we can, that women who have children can no longer do. Taking last minute holidays, taking up a hobby that requires peace and time – painting or pottery or doing the kind of job that we do. We run lodges in all sorts of locations around the world – certainly not suitable for having children. I also want to buy myself a 2 seater Cabriolet!
Have I just given up or is it healthier to move on and enjoy what you can out of life, without a continuous focus on having a child?
Sometimes I also think we don’t acknowledge the negatives of having a child. We are so focused on wanting a child, as the ability has been almost taken from us, that we perhaps don’t consider the actual choice of it all. Have you ever spoken to a mom of a new-born? Have you ever spoken to the husband about it all? It is not easy and it is hard work! Your whole life changes in an instant. You no longer have time for other things or personal things you might enjoy. It is a massive commitment and it changes everything else – including the relationship you have with your husband.
Perhaps I am just making excuses and protecting myself from it all or perhaps I am really finding a positive way to look at it all. A way that helps me look forward and focus on everything else that life has to offer. I know some women feel so strongly, that they adopt a child, which allows them to give a child a new lease on life and create a family for themselves.
I think I will just let the powers that be decide if I am meant to have a child or not.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this one…..
This Post Has 11 Comments
Link given by Melissa K is interesting. Thanks for the post.
That is lovely to hear Jodi. I am glad you are a wonderful mother 🙂
Melissa it is worth all the hard work. My kids are the best thing i have ever done in life. YOu get out what you put in. It is an adjustment at first and women take on most of it but it is worth it.
You can get pregnant sweets. Just start believing and making steps for your body and your baby. Check out the free guide: http://endoempowered.com/pregnant-endometriosis/
I have been struggling to conceive and desperate for a family. My periods are horrendous and i’m passing out all the time. I suffered ectopic pregnancy in December after 3years trying (i was on clomid at time) I would love to get pregnant naturally but i can’t see it happening. I don’t know how much longer i can struggle on in pain 🙁
Hi Annonymous and thank you so much for sharing your story with me and the other girls on this blog. You are an incredibly brave and considerate person to go through all that you have. It must have been the worst time of your life and I am sure you still think about this time to this day. How horrible for you.
I am not sure why doctors push “having a baby” so much. On some sick level I think it is an indication of “success” for those horrible hormone treatments they put us on. See, Endo is considered a fertility condition, so if they managed to get you fertile, then surely their “treatment” must have worked!
Sad, but I do think there is some truth to this!
I am glad you have expressed the challenges that come with having children. I always felt somewhat selfish for not having them but the way you have put it, it is actually more about considering the happiness and health of your child, rather than anything else.
You are a very special person and you are lucky to have your son and husband. Thank you for your caring and thoughts for all the girls considering having a child, even if their body is not up for it. To me, health comes first and if we focus on natural healing for childbirth then this is a given. Only then, when we are mentally, physically and emotionally well, should we have a child, so we can provide it with everything it needs to be as happy a child it can be.
All the best and lots of hugs,
Melissa, first of all congratulations on your engagement, happy days ahead 🙂
On the subject of children can I advise you please to think carefully what it is you want and don’t want. I fell pregnant with my first one very quickly but when we decided two years on to try for another things were difficult. I had by that time been diagnosed with full blown endo with one ovary badly affected with it and the tube on the other side blocked. Funnily enough throughout the years I had always been told by the docs ‘ We can’t do anything about your pain/heavy periods/thrush but if its children you want we can help with that’. I could never understand why the focus was on falling pregnant while you’re ill when I all I wanted was to be well, so I always told them ‘no’.
When my first was around 10 years old things got out of hand and I felt I was becoming a liability to both my husband and my son with the exhaustion and sudden extreme pain attacks that I was getting, which were totally debilitating. Childbirth was a doddle compared with those. I went back to the doctors to seek further help, little did I know what effect their medication for my endo would have. Hormones, of course, the first course made me so ill that I had to stop after 2 or 3 weeks and try again later on. I was on several medications, some over the counter, some prescribed to deal with the pain, plus the endo treatment. In spite of all that effort all I remember was feeling ill ill ill, to the point that I was wondering if I was just going to die. That may sound melodramatic, but when your brain is fuzzy from the treatments, and you are that poorly and exhausted all of the time that you can’t live your life anymore you start wondering all sorts of things. I had given up my sport, and had no energy or enthusiasm for anything at all.
Next thing I see the docs as part of my treatment and I am told I am pregnant. Can you imagine how I felt! 12 Years I had waited, now I was so ill, too ill, drugged up to the eyeballs and then this! I put this down to the hormone treatment they had put me on to combat the endo though the two have never been officially linked. At that moment I was utterly utterly devastated. Not being young anymore there was a much higher likelyhood of birth defects and disability for a baby. And I was so so ill I couldn’t even look after myself, let alone a baby. My husband said he would stand by any decision I took but I knew he wouldn’t cope with one older child, a baby and a sick wife. I made the most heart wrenching decision that I have ever made and regret it to this day, though in these same circumstances I would take the same decision again. I aborted the child. I could not bring another child into the world at that moment in time, especially fearing what my age and all the medication might have done to it already. Had I carried the child to term it would have torn my family apart and finished me off, of that I am certain, regardless of how much I had wanted another baby. We could not have coped in these circumstances. No help there that they say endo disappears with pregnancy. There is a. no guarantee, and b. in most cases it returns soon after.
So, Melissa, please, please, think this through beforehand. I am lucky as I have a son so can’t really talk on behalf of all those trying and not having any success starting a family.
But children are hard work and if they happen to have special needs they are even more demanding. It requires careful consideration to decide whether oneself and one’s partner are able to cope with the levels of illness endometriosis may cause if not imminently but possibly again 12-18months down the line. This requires strong people, and a strong partnership. Don’t end up like me with a decision on your hands that you don’t want to take.
Please understand why I am keeping my identity anonymous.
Thanks Olga! It is very exciting to be committing to eachother!
Congrats!!! 🙂 i love your blog you are a strong encouragement to all of us endo girls. We must never give back on ourselves!!! 🙂 Thanks and Congrats sister.
That is an awesome post! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for the congrats!
Hope you are doing well too 🙂
Congratulations on your engagement!! How wonderful! The endo/baby issue is so complex and emotional. One of my favorite blogs just today tackled the “deciding not to have a baby” issue – maybe you’d like to check it out: http://apracticalwedding.com/2012/01/suburbalicious-choosing-not-to-have-children/. The discussion in the comments is a good and diverse one.