I had a bad period this month. I had PMS symptoms a week before, diarrhea, sore breasts and that horrible tired feeling days before. On my first day I was quite sore, which I haven’t had for ages. The major symptom that appeared was the emotional stuff! Poor James had to deal with the sobbing for no reason, the getting irritable and also the “do you even love me?” emotions. It got my mind thinking as to why this was happening again.
I went into complete panic mode yesterday and today. I seized up and everything got heaps worse. I got diarrhea, headaches and that wonderful tender sore feeling in my abdomen, which honestly I haven’t felt for months now. My mind was racing about why it was so sore. I started imagining horrible things. I started picturing the Endo completely taking over my whole body and that I was almost being gobbled up by it. I started to panic about it all. I started to wonder if I would ever get better. If I was just imagining my improvements, if things were just meant to be sore and I was being unrealistic to think I could cure anything.
My mind went into a completely different place. A bad space. One of those negative spaces, which I am sure you all know well. I didn’t believe in anything. Everything was too hard and the pain was just going to be with me forever and ever. I started to think it was all just silly. The idea that I could possible beat this thing. Who do I think I am? What makes me think I am so special that I can honestly beat it?
I almost got to a point today where the panic of all of these thoughts made me lose it completely. I felt like screaming and crying all at once. Luckily, I was at work and in a temp role so that was not really an option. I tried to focus on something else for another 30 minutes and then decided I better go home. I was feeling incredibly teary and defeated by the time I got into the car. I felt numb now. I gave into it all. I let it all just be. I stopped fighting it. I just allowed all that negativity to just be. So, perhaps I should just accept that Endo will be with me forever? Fine. So, I should just accept that I will feel like crap for every month for the rest of my life? Fine. So, I should just deal with this endless battle of not really getting anywhere? Fine. As I let these defeating thoughts come over me and let them live in my mind for a little while, succumbing to them, a strange thing started to happen… I started to realize it was just the hormones talking. I started to realize that I was in fact being quite silly.
I started to see that this was just an overreactive panic emotion that was brought on through my overactive hormones. It is scary how powerful they are!
I came home, made myself a nice warm cup of tea, relaxed outside in the sunshine for a bit and allowed myself to calm down by just enjoying the nature around me. I separated myself from the emotional panic feeling and recognized just how silly it all was.
I looked back on my learning curves within myself and my healing over the last 6 months and recognized just how far I have really come. I couldn’t even do anything 6 months ago and now when I have one month that is slightly out of whack I go completely panicky!
Do you panic when you’re sore? Do you feel like the world is going to end and that Endo is this mountain you can never defeat? Do the panic emotions take over and you feel completely defeated by it all?
These hormones are so powerful and controlling! Separating ourselves from them can be a little tricky sometimes!
I feel better now. It is almost time for the sun to set and the world seems calmer now. I made myself some chamomile tea and had some Rescue Remedy to help me calm down. It is amazing how the pain is so closely linked to our emotions too… the pain is all settled down now!
Sore from emotions and emotions making you sore! The vicious circle of Endo.