Somehow the hormones have settled today. I feel more myself than I have in the last few weeks. I went to the doctor this morning and had the results given to me, that I definitely wasn’t pregnant. My HCG levels were not in the blood. I thought I would feel more devastated at the final result but perhaps in my heart, I already knew that this would be the inevitable conclusion.
The thing was, for those days, where the hormones were at their most elevated, and I was convinced that I was pregnant, I just didn’t feel ready. I just didn’t feel I would be giving my little one the best start in life. That I hadn’t done enough preparation for pregnancy. I want to give my child a better start than what I had. I want to make sure my body is completely in balance. Completely healthy, before it relies on me to start its life. I don’t feel that it is. Though my body is much better than it ever has been, I still don’t feel it is 100% and to me, that is what it needs to be. Truth is, if it was 100%, then I would’ve carried the child to term.
I think of this whole experience as a great awakening to what work I still need to do. That there is so much more to research and delve into for my own health and yours. I have even more motivation to heal myself completely and be 100% ready for a child.
It has also made me realize that I do actually want children. This is MASSIVE for me. I never opened myself up to the possibility before and I think the hope that I could have had a child opened me up in ways I never considered. My creative spirit seems to have been reawakened and I have a new view on the world. Somehow life seems miraculous and more incredible to me now. I look at nature with more intensity again and being outdoors seems like something I crave to experience each day. Children are such a blessing and really such a massive part of life.
So, ladies, the blog has taken on a new direction. I am now officially trying for a baby. Not in the serious, “monitor everything” kind of way but more of a “get the body ready” kinda way. I have never been one for simply trying to get to the end result. To me, we need to focus on healing the body properly and it will then be able to carry a child to term, without interference. We need to prepare the body to be healthy and fit and ready to carry a child. This is my new goal, my new focus and my new adventure and journey. Though naturally it falls in line with my goal of curing myself of endometriosis, it simply gives me more motivation to do it sooner, rather than later.
Here is to real healing!
Have you experienced a miscarriage? How did you feel afterwards? How did you take it emotionally? Feel free to share your experiences…
This Post Has 9 Comments
Hi zenith am new to this it has been so helpful to have people in my situation I felt I was on my own. I am 41 and struggling to have children. I am hoping to see a private consultant next week.
I am so happy you were able to find my blog and that it was able to provide you with the relief and assurances that you need to hear. You can conceive. Start with your diet and work up the body with good nutrition. You and I can make it as special endo moms!
hi melissa..i’m an asian…26 yrs old..married & trying fr a baby..bt nt able to 🙁
as i’m having also suffering from endometriosis…
This is very first time that i’m writing anything to anyone & i guess your blog inspired me for that…i found it when i was 23..gone through one lapro …changed 02 doctors..& my gynae has suggested me to go laproscopy & hysteroscopy for one more time which is scheduled on 06th Nov as they are not able to find any cyst or anything in scans bt still i’m having pain and not able to concieve..even after 3 IUIs..lts of medicines & lots of emotional stress..today morning i was feeling bad abt everything…i was angry with myself..with endo..everything..i was feeling that i’m good for nothing…
bt after reading your blog i’m feeling much better…thanks for sharing 🙂
I am sure we will both get there too 🙂 Big hugs and thanks for the love and healing thoughts – straight back at ya!
I am very grateful for your blog Melissa and for everything that you do to share your knowledge and feelings with us. I feel appreciative and empowered because it meets my need for empathy, support and hope. I am in the same situation and have also recently decided to try for a child. Even though it wasn’t meant to be this time around I am certain we will have the baby we are longing for. Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts.
Hi Jennifer and welcome 🙂
I am glad my blog gave you instant comfort. I am 37 this year and have only recently considered having children (through this whole experience). I believe we can all conceive. There is never a time that is too late, if the body is willing and able. Endometriosis is merely a response to an imbalance and we can both heal that imbalance 🙂 Hugs.
So sorry Melissa… Hugs…
Thanks so much for your courage in sharing this personal journey, Melissa. Your openness is sure to help a lot of readers going through similar experiences or thoughts about wanting to have a child. I am 21 and not at a point where I feel ready to have a child (emotionally and financially etc), but i think that working towards healthy fertility is powerful for any woman, no matter what stage they are at. Being fertile is not just about having a baby, but about being in touch with our bodies 🙂 Looking forward to reading more from you on readying your body! Big hugs and thanks again for sharing x