Somehow the hormones have settled today. I feel more myself than I have in the last few weeks. I went to the doctor this morning and had the results given to me, that I definitely wasn’t pregnant. My HCG levels were not in the blood. I thought I would feel more devastated at the final result but perhaps in my heart, I already knew that this would be the inevitable conclusion.
The thing was, for those days, where the hormones were at their most elevated, and I was convinced that I was pregnant, I just didn’t feel ready. I just didn’t feel I would be giving my little one the best start in life. That I hadn’t done enough preparation for pregnancy. I want to give my child a better start than what I had. I want to make sure my body is completely in balance. Completely healthy, before it relies on me to start its life. I don’t feel that it is. Though my body is much better than it ever has been, I still don’t feel it is 100% and to me, that is what it needs to be. Truth is, if it was 100%, then I would’ve carried the child to term.
I think of this whole experience as a great awakening to what work I still need to do. That there is so much more to research and delve into for my own health and yours. I have even more motivation to heal myself completely and be 100% ready for a child.
It has also made me realize that I do actually want children. This is MASSIVE for me. I never opened myself up to the possibility before and I think the hope that I could have had a child opened me up in ways I never considered. My creative spirit seems to have been reawakened and I have a new view on the world. Somehow life seems miraculous and more incredible to me now. I look at nature with more intensity again and being outdoors seems like something I crave to experience each day. Children are such a blessing and really such a massive part of life.
So, ladies, the blog has taken on a new direction. I am now officially trying for a baby. Not in the serious, “monitor everything” kind of way but more of a “get the body ready” kinda way. I have never been one for simply trying to get to the end result. To me, we need to focus on healing the body properly and it will then be able to carry a child to term, without interference. We need to prepare the body to be healthy and fit and ready to carry a child. This is my new goal, my new focus and my new adventure and journey. Though naturally it falls in line with my goal of curing myself of endometriosis, it simply gives me more motivation to do it sooner, rather than later.
Here is to real healing!
Have you experienced a miscarriage? How did you feel afterwards? How did you take it emotionally? Feel free to share your experiences…