This was the title of a health magazine I picked up this morning.
Interesting choice of words really. I get that we are on a journey towards wanting to improve our health but why does that imply that we need to be a better version of ourselves? What is wrong with the current version? Where does the line between wanting to be a better version and being unhappy with the current version become so blurred and make us so miserable? Why do live so much in the future/better version instead of enjoying what is in the here and now?
Being happier with my current version…
It is time now to finally come to terms with the fact that I am who I am and I cannot change it. I need to appreciate and truly love the creation that is me. I’ll be honest, this is not something I have naturally wanted to do. I was never taught how to love all of who I am. I was told repeatedly that I wasn’t “something” enough. Mostly by my mother. I was too loud, too silly, too sensitive, too disorganized. I didn’t have my life “in order” and I didn’t achieve enough. Blame it on society, blame it on the “good-girl syndrome” or really just blame social media but somehow the message became: You need to be someone different to be loved and the current version will not cut it.
My repeated message within my brain seemed to be: You need to do more and be more.
I placed emphasis on my hair, my looks and the impressions I left with people. I would take their judgements as acceptance or rejection. If I moulded myself to what I believed they wanted, then perhaps I would get their acceptance? When I had that, perhaps they would listen to me? Allow me to help them? Take me seriously?
This is the funny part… How on earth do a nice haircut and fake eyelashes make me do that exactly?
It was hard work. Moulding, changing and trying so hard to formulate what I thought people wanted. Exhausting really. How could I be so many different versions all at once? The sweet one, the organised businessesy one, the chaotic fun one, the creative one or should I be the hard-arsed bitch today? Do you find yourself moulding to others? Do you think that by moulding and shaping you will finally get that esteemed tick of approval and finally feel validated?
This question has plagued me for ages. Why do we need that tick of approval so desperately? What makes us change who we are and bend things about ourselves so we can get it? Perhaps it is a need to be accepted into the “tribe” – so to speak? Truth: Perhaps it is that we have failed to love ourselves, for ourselves, enough to make up for that need? Or perhaps we were all just witches in our past lives and got burned at the stake for being different? LOL!
I often question this idea of loving ourselves. When we consider that endometriosis is an auto-immune condition it becomes more apparent that so much of it stems from some deep yearning of wanting to be something we are not.
Rejection of self.
To make up for our perceived limitations. I know I seemed to spend a large portion of my life wanting to simply be someone else. I struggled to embrace the chaotic mind, the overthinking and the creative non-sensical explorations. I would spend days trying to be a version of a businesswoman believing that it would help me achieve something amazing and then feel worse when a few days later I simply got bored or felt uninspired by spreadsheets and planning tools.
Here is what I can tell you. We share this feeling. This deep yearning to love ourselves as we are and it is time we really honoured that – even if it means others might reject us.