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She Told Me, I Had a Miscarriage…

It has been a long hard day. For the last week, I couldn’t shake the feeling in my body that I was pregnant. I was experiencing all the signs. Sore breasts, nausea and strange cravings for foods I wouldn’t normally eat. I somehow felt different. I felt lighter in my thoughts and somehow my body felt different. I just felt pregnant. I was looking at children with a completely different mindset. They suddenly appeared everywhere and somehow it was the most beautiful and natural thing to have a child.

Honestly, these are not feelings I had ever experienced before. To me, children had never been a consideration, which simply made me believe I was pregnant even more! I know that makes little sense but if you have experienced anything like it, you will probably know what I mean.

Well, I couldn’t let it be. James suggested that I wait until the month was over and see if I develop a bump or if my period comes on to see if I was actually pregnant, and to be honest, it would’ve been nice to float on that bubble of believing I might be pregnant a little longer. But I felt like I was fooling myself. I needed to know if all the signs were just in my head, or if they were justified.

I knew things were not normal though. I had not experienced a late period in years and the period that I did experience was different. It was bright red and had large clots in it. It also only lasted two days. My normal period started off slow with dark bits in the beginning, whereas this was bright red from the beginning. My normal period also generally lasted six or seven days.

So, this morning I went to the family planning clinic to see what was going on. The lady did a urine sample test to determine if I was indeed pregnant. I was tense with anticipation. Somehow, one part of me wanted it to be true and the other part was just scared to death that it might not be. She asked me a series of questions about my period, my cycle and how late I was. I told her I had been eight days late and that my period was very short and that I was definitely experiencing signs of pregnancy.

The test came back negative. In a confused and emotional daze, I heard her words as she spoke about hormones and pregnancy and ultimately, that I had experienced a miscarriage. Albeit a small one—it might have only been alive for three weeks—it was still a miscarriage. I struggled to actually process what she had said. She seemed so heartless to me. I felt like shouting at her, “You must be wrong! That can’t be! I couldn’t have lost a child!”

I walked back to the car and sat in the car park, the tears rolling down my face. I felt such an intense sense of confusion and loss all at the same time. I knew I was completely overreacting but a deep sense inside of me felt like it could’ve been. I could’ve been pregnant—it had been within my reach.

As I sit here and write this, there is still a small part of me that wishes it to be yesterday. A small part of me that wishes, I hadn’t gone to the family planning clinic today. That way, I could just float in the cloud of believing I might be pregnant.

Out of all the feelings in the world, I had no idea that I would feel this one so intensely. I know it means there is hope, that life is longing to grow inside of me and that I will ultimately have a child, but for now, I just feel empty.

Hugs, Melissa x
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This Post Has 22 Comments

  1. Melissa

    Thank you Ellie! It is much appreciated. I know it will make me stronger and it is all part of the journey… it is filled with ups and downs 🙂

  2. Ellie

    Just wanted to drop a little note to say that I was thinking about you Mel since I saw your post. Like you said, I think you will come out even stronger from this step in your journey. And more prepared fro whatever comes your way, including future motherhood 🙂 Hugs, and thank you for being a vehicle of information and positive energy for the rest of us women who are walking on a path similar to yours

  3. Melissa

    Hi Sarah,
    Thank you for your lovely words and your heartfelt sharing. I am sure I will have a lil one soon… even if it is a few years later. It is all preparation for the big moment afterall…

  4. Sarah

    Hi Melissa,
    So sorry to hear your sad news :(, my thoughts go out to you and James. I myself have had 3 miscarriages; two when I didn’t even know that I was pregnant and one a missed miscarriage at about 4 months. Like you I often think about the babies lost especially the one at 4 months as Lil One, as we call him or her was soooo badly wanted and conceived on the first try!! .

    Even though I’m an endo girl, I get pregnant easily it’s keeping them that’s my problem! I am blessed though with three healthy babies. Even though one was a preemie and I had a threatened miscarriage with my first and bleeding with each of them; please think that there is hope and that you should never give it up. As others have mentioned although it’s heart breaking and you grieve the baby, and what could have been, it is a sign that your body is be able to conceive a baby.

    Hopefully if you both decide there is a next time luck will be with you and you will get your lil one back. I believe that your babies always come back to you, be there for each other and try to think positive thoughts. It isn’t always easy I know I still grieve for mine, Lil One especially and think about him/her constantly. However I know I am blessed and count those blessing everyday. Putting it out to the universe for you both.

  5. Tina

    Hi Mel,
    This is a traumatic experience and I hope you are feeling better. Now that you know you want a child you should look into adopting. There are so many children out there born to women that are not ready and would love to have such a great person as you raise their child. Remember nature is only 1/2 of the nature/ nurture impact and that child will love you as their mother. Don’t give up hope, if you really want to be a mother you will be.
    Much love,

  6. Jessi Smith via Facebook

    So incredibly sorry! Will be thiking of you!

  7. Amber

    I am sending positive thoughts your way. All this can be so overwhelming at times. I’m pretty sure I’ve had this happen to me a few times, the embryo just didn’t implant. The good news is that you can indeed get pregnant; hopefully focusing on that will bring you comfort in the days ahead.

  8. Adi HC

    I am so sorry to read you today. I send you a huge hug… thank you for sharing.

  9. grace

    I am sorry to hear this 🙁 All things work together for good…God has a better plan for you dear. My prayers are with you..Continue with what you are doing, in due time you will have your own lovely baby.

  10. Melissa

    Thank you Kim. I am glad I can be this for you – even in these times. Hugs

  11. Melissa

    Thank you Allanah. I had no idea it would happen so easily to be honest – James and I had been pretty incisent on not “trying” for a baby. This was one night and it happened fairly instantly. I guess I was hoping it would be easier and that I wouldn’t have to have miscarriages to ultimately having a child.
    Love the little saying about Nirvana 🙂

  12. Melissa

    Thank you Lila. That is incredibly comforting to hear. You are right. The emotions have been very strong and it is amazing how deeply I want a child now. Thank you and big hugs.

  13. Lila

    My deepest sympathy to you.
    However, if you look on the bright side, if you indeed had a miscariage, that means that you got pregnant naturally, and these are VERY good news for an Endo girl.
    As i had to go through IVF, i even envy you a bit!
    So keep trying and i’m sure it will happen soon. If you had such strong emotions about it, it means that deep down you want it.
    Sometimes we need that shake to let us know what we really want.

  14. Allannah Law

    Hi Mel, I’m so sorry to hear this. But perhaps you now know that you would like a child and maybe its time to start thinking about a family? It sounds to me like you might be getting ready. Miscarriages are often a sign that a pregnancy is imminent – a lot of women have a miscarriage before carrying a healthy baby, so if you keep trying it could be that you’re quite fertile.

    You know I have lots of yoga to support this if its what you want. I have had two miscarriages myself and the best advice I ever received was from a woman who told me that those little souls only had a couple of months of life to achieve before they hit nirvana. Depends on your beliefs but it was of great comfort to me. Lots of love.

  15. Annabelle

    So sorry Mel. Hugs and love to you. <3

  16. Belinda

    Hi Melissa,

    Just because the test was negative doesn’t mean it was correct. It’s what they call a “false negative” and it was probably a really cheap brand of test or just a faulty one. It could also be that the level of hcg in your urine may have been so low that the test couldn’t detect it.

    Trust your body, that is all I can say. Those symptoms you were feeling were probably right. And if you did conceive and the embryo failed to implant properly, then it sounds about right to have a very sudden, heavy bleed with some clots.

    Isn’t it strange how we can grieve so deeply and so quickly for something? I remember the first time I fell pregnant, I lost the baby less than 2 weeks after my positive test. Suddenly I woke up to such strong maternal feelings and it affected me so much because it was the death of a dream. That little life growing inside me represented hopes and dreams, then they were taken away in an instant.

    I think this is a sign that you are doing all the right things, all the research you have been doing, all the adjustments that you have made to your lifestyle are getting you into such a healthy state that your mind and body are ready to receive new life.

  17. Gaitty

    I am sorry Melissa. I wish you soon have a very cute healthy baby.. Please stay strong…and relaxed this might help.

  18. Emma

    Lots of love to you. I have had a similar experience. xx

  19. Kim C.

    I’m so so so very sorry to hear this. Thank you for being a beacon of hope and a ray of light even in the dark times. You are in my thoughts and prayers always.

  20. ann

    I am sorry to heat that, Mel. I will pray for you. Never give up.

  21. Lizette A. Cadena via Facebook

    Wow, than you for sharing

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I'm Melissa

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