It has been a long hard day. For the last week, I couldn’t shake the feeling in my body that I was pregnant. I was experiencing all the signs. Sore breasts, nausea and strange cravings for foods I wouldn’t normally eat. I somehow felt different. I felt lighter in my thoughts and somehow my body felt different. I just felt pregnant. I was looking at children with a completely different mindset. They suddenly appeared everywhere and somehow it was the most beautiful and natural thing to have a child.
Honestly, these are not feelings I had ever experienced before. To me, children had never been a consideration, which simply made me believe I was pregnant even more! I know that makes little sense but if you have experienced anything like it, you will probably know what I mean.
Well, I couldn’t let it be. James suggested that I wait until the month was over and see if I develop a bump or if my period comes on to see if I was actually pregnant, and to be honest, it would’ve been nice to float on that bubble of believing I might be pregnant a little longer. But I felt like I was fooling myself. I needed to know if all the signs were just in my head, or if they were justified.
I knew things were not normal though. I had not experienced a late period in years and the period that I did experience was different. It was bright red and had large clots in it. It also only lasted two days. My normal period started off slow with dark bits in the beginning, whereas this was bright red from the beginning. My normal period also generally lasted six or seven days.
So, this morning I went to the family planning clinic to see what was going on. The lady did a urine sample test to determine if I was indeed pregnant. I was tense with anticipation. Somehow, one part of me wanted it to be true and the other part was just scared to death that it might not be. She asked me a series of questions about my period, my cycle and how late I was. I told her I had been eight days late and that my period was very short and that I was definitely experiencing signs of pregnancy.
The test came back negative. In a confused and emotional daze, I heard her words as she spoke about hormones and pregnancy and ultimately, that I had experienced a miscarriage. Albeit a small one—it might have only been alive for three weeks—it was still a miscarriage. I struggled to actually process what she had said. She seemed so heartless to me. I felt like shouting at her, “You must be wrong! That can’t be! I couldn’t have lost a child!”
I walked back to the car and sat in the car park, the tears rolling down my face. I felt such an intense sense of confusion and loss all at the same time. I knew I was completely overreacting but a deep sense inside of me felt like it could’ve been. I could’ve been pregnant—it had been within my reach.
As I sit here and write this, there is still a small part of me that wishes it to be yesterday. A small part of me that wishes, I hadn’t gone to the family planning clinic today. That way, I could just float in the cloud of believing I might be pregnant.
Out of all the feelings in the world, I had no idea that I would feel this one so intensely. I know it means there is hope, that life is longing to grow inside of me and that I will ultimately have a child, but for now, I just feel empty.