Just don’t leave me alone right now. The thoughts come back then. The endless wonderings about life and death and the meaning of it all. The circles of whether I am truly living my best life and if this is really what is making me happy. The fear of regrets, the doubts of choices and whether everything we ever hope for will ever come true. Please just don’t leave me with those thoughts…
They just feel so heavy and so loaded and even with all my best intentions, I am not sure I am truly doing everything “right” or exploring every aspect of what life may have to offer me.
See everything has stopped for a moment in time. The big red light causing me to “wake from my life” happened a few weeks ago on the 22nd June when my mom passed away. It wasn’t really sudden as we all knew it was coming eventually but it was still sudden as somehow we can’t ever truly embrace that someone is truly gone. Just gone. No longer reachable, contactable. No explanation. No good-bye. Nothing.
I haven’t wanted to come to this reality for the last few weeks. I guess it is just hard to. I have wanted to keep busy. To be distracted and to simply not think. Being still seems to well up all the pain of loss and all the thoughts of life and meaning of it all. The circles of questions just compound then and suddenly it all seems so big and yet all so pointless at the same time. We place so much emphasis on it all and yet some of it just seems so irrelevant at this moment. The things we feel are so important at the time are actually so insignificant when we truly look at the whole picture of our lives. Whether we are pretty or not, whether we are fat or thin, where we live and what car we drive and all those superficial things just seems to completely irrelevant.
What I really embrace is an idea of whether our life has meaning to us and to others. How much our life has been able to impact others. Will we leave a mark on the hearts of others? Will our contribution to the world leave something behind? Something to give joy and happiness in some way? Will our life be remembered by others in a way that leaves them sad but glad to have known us? Do we change the lives of others in some way?
How can we contribute and give from deep within our own heart and soul?
Sometimes I think that much of what we do is merely a distraction. A distraction to look away from fear or deep inner pain about things we think of ourselves. Perhaps our job choice is just a way of staying small or keeping busy? Perhaps it makes us feel significant? Perhaps we find other ways of simply keeping busy? Perhaps even disease is a way to distract, to look away and to think of something else other than the pain or fear we feel about ourselves. The thoughts we don’t necessarily want to confront about ourselves. Those thoughts of not being enough, of not being all we can be and truly not living in our highest version of ourselves.
Perhaps we busy ourselves with things so we don’t have to think too hard. Just as I have been for the last few weeks…
The tears have welled up now. I am allowing myself to grieve and also to remember my mom. She taught me some incredible lessons about life. I can only embrace the mark and gifts she left for me to incorporate into mine.
Thank you mom. I will miss you.
This Post Has 4 Comments
Thank you Trine for your beautiful words and for being there for me no matter what the challenges. I have finally been “selfish” and have allowed myself some much time away from all the work I do but also to focus on what really matters to me. You and your support really matters to me. Thank you 🙂
Thank you for your lovely message Adrianna. I have really needed that time for myself the past few months and it has made me really reflect on Endo Empowered and the work I do.
I am so happy I was able to be there for you sweetheart with your dad not being well. They are hard times. It is always more challenging when we have conflicting emotions around it all too.
Thank you for your lovely message and your support for the work I do.
I am sure we will meet one day 🙂
Hugs,
Hello beautiful Melissa.
My heart goes to you, not only as a means of being with you but also as a way to express how grateful I am to have come across a woman as loving and empowering as you. I am really sorry about your loss.
You are just doing something really important for your own SELF, and that is acknowledging your feelings and thoughts as well as giving your SELF time to grieve. Your message came to me at a time in my life when I am also going through a grieving process as my father has been ill for a while now and his condition deteriorates with every passing day. He is in Colombia and I live in Canada with my husband and daughter and even though I love my father, I can tell you that certain situations were not optimal in our relationship while I was growing up. When you talk about how disease comes to our life as a way to keep us distracted from dealing with ourSELVES, I completely agree and I have been in a journey to heal mySELF by acknowledging every part of my being.
I guess what I’m trying to say, beautiful, is that I want you to know that I am with you as we are all ONE in this gigantic universe. Be sure to know that your work to help me and many women around the world is greatly appreciated.
I send you my love and really wish we can meet one day!
Very sincerely,
Adriana
Oh dear Melissa, I am crying while reading your words. I am so so sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to take in what you are feeling, I am scared to even try. I live in Montreal but my aging parents are in Denmark and it is increasingly filling my mind and heart that I might not have them forever and what the fuck am I going living so far away!
Thank you, your words are so important for us to hear. Thank you for being so open even in your grief. I don’t know you well yet right now all I wish is to come and sit with you, quietly. Take your time dear one, share when it helps, but take your time. Really… seriously… allow yourseft to be “selfish” more than ever at this time. We will all be here when you are ready. ❤️ So much love. Trine