Just don’t leave me alone right now. The thoughts come back then. The endless wonderings about life and death and the meaning of it all. The circles of whether I am truly living my best life and if this is really what is making me happy. The fear of regrets, the doubts of choices and whether everything we ever hope for will ever come true. Please just don’t leave me with those thoughts…
They just feel so heavy and so loaded and even with all my best intentions, I am not sure I am truly doing everything “right” or exploring every aspect of what life may have to offer me.
See everything has stopped for a moment in time. The big red light causing me to “wake from my life” happened a few weeks ago on the 22nd June when my mom passed away. It wasn’t really sudden as we all knew it was coming eventually but it was still sudden as somehow we can’t ever truly embrace that someone is truly gone. Just gone. No longer reachable, contactable. No explanation. No good-bye. Nothing.
I haven’t wanted to come to this reality for the last few weeks. I guess it is just hard to. I have wanted to keep busy. To be distracted and to simply not think. Being still seems to well up all the pain of loss and all the thoughts of life and meaning of it all. The circles of questions just compound then and suddenly it all seems so big and yet all so pointless at the same time. We place so much emphasis on it all and yet some of it just seems so irrelevant at this moment. The things we feel are so important at the time are actually so insignificant when we truly look at the whole picture of our lives. Whether we are pretty or not, whether we are fat or thin, where we live and what car we drive and all those superficial things just seems to completely irrelevant.
What I really embrace is an idea of whether our life has meaning to us and to others. How much our life has been able to impact others. Will we leave a mark on the hearts of others? Will our contribution to the world leave something behind? Something to give joy and happiness in some way? Will our life be remembered by others in a way that leaves them sad but glad to have known us? Do we change the lives of others in some way?
How can we contribute and give from deep within our own heart and soul?
Sometimes I think that much of what we do is merely a distraction. A distraction to look away from fear or deep inner pain about things we think of ourselves. Perhaps our job choice is just a way of staying small or keeping busy? Perhaps it makes us feel significant? Perhaps we find other ways of simply keeping busy? Perhaps even disease is a way to distract, to look away and to think of something else other than the pain or fear we feel about ourselves. The thoughts we don’t necessarily want to confront about ourselves. Those thoughts of not being enough, of not being all we can be and truly not living in our highest version of ourselves.
Perhaps we busy ourselves with things so we don’t have to think too hard. Just as I have been for the last few weeks…
The tears have welled up now. I am allowing myself to grieve and also to remember my mom. She taught me some incredible lessons about life. I can only embrace the mark and gifts she left for me to incorporate into mine.
Thank you mom. I will miss you.