This statement has been sitting in my head since last night and it somehow really resonated with me. I was watching Good Will Hunting with Matt Damon and that scene just got me crying! If you haven’t seen the movie, it is really quite brilliant and to me, it reflected many things that we do in life, to protect ourselves.
I think it is easy to get caught up in blaming ourselves with endometriosis. We perhaps blame ourselves for leading a poor lifestyle prior to developing endometriosis. We might blame ourselves daily for not sticking with the Endo Diet and beat ourselves up about having a little cheese or chocolate or whatever. We get stressed out about food because we want to fix things, we want to make it right. We might blame our past and our present and somehow it is actually this blame that makes the whole thing heaps worse!
I know I often blame myself emotionally—like I am still holding onto too much pain and anger about the past and that in some way has influenced my endometriosis and prevented it from fully healed. I had such massive transformations when I let emotional pains go, so I can’t but feel that perhaps there is still stuff that I haven’t quite dealt with.
I actually did a really therapeutic thing this morning. I stood in front of the mirror and just repeated that statement to myself, “It is not your fault.” I did this over and over again—just like in the movie and somehow it really felt soothing to me. I felt like I could let things go. I could resolve that I am doing the best that I can and that everything will come to me, when I am ready.
There is often too much responsibility with natural healing. We often take it all on ourselves to heal. Though I am not suggesting this to be a bad thing, it can be incredibly overwhelming and sometimes even stressful. Because it is all on us, it takes our discipline, our effort and ultimately the results all rest on us. When we don’t have success, we start to blame ourselves, like we didn’t do enough or weren’t “strict” enough with the diet. It brings it all up again—guilt, blame and perhaps shame about our own failures.
To be honest, I have felt these exact emotions the last few days. I hadn’t even realized these emotions were going on, until that scene in last night’s movie. It was like it somehow came along, just to make me recognize that I needed to deal with these emotions.
With my healing, I have never rushed things. I have let it all kinda come to me, when I was ready. When I got stuck for options, I would receive an answer through an email or I would stumble upon the information. Since traveling, I have had to put my healing journey on hold, which seemed to stop that inner calm voice, telling me that “the answers will come, when you are ready and everything will be okay.” It created a horrible sense of pressure. Suddenly, my healing journey was halted and it was like a “healing” work pile started to mount. There were all these things I wanted to be doing but couldn’t, because I was just not in a settled enough environment to do them.
In a way perhaps my guiding was still happening—as I needed to watch the movie and come to the realizations that I did.
I believe that when we set out to do something and we believe whole-heartedly that we will get there that the answers do come and the methods come and as much as it is our nature to rush and push things, it is when we allow that trust to take over that calmness can once again prevail. It is only in a state of certainty and calm that I get the answers to so much of what I have shared on my blog.
I realize that even this feeling of being overwhelmed needed to go and for me to get back to recognizing how far I have come and how much I have learnt and that when the time is ready, the new answers will start to present themselves again.
I hope you can find that place in yourself too. That place where you can just trust that you will get there and that things will all work out okay. Your healing journey depends on it.
Find peace within yourself and recognize that you will get there. Your body will heal. Just trust in that. Trust that the answers to “how” are just waiting for you and will present themselves when your mind and body are ready. Don’t analyze the how too much. Don’t ask the why too much. Just let it be and let the answers present themselves.
Endometriosis is not your fault. Not its development, its sticking around or anything about it. It is simply through lack of knowledge and understanding and connection that we have developed it. It has presented us with a marvelous opportunity to really understand and listen to our bodies. Allow it to guide you. Just allow yourself to trust. It will all be okay.
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Hi Ann,
There is such a group, sweetheart. Check it out:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/endonatural
We are here for you and you can get through this…. promise 🙂
Melissa,
Thanks so much for writing this. I was widely awake at bed from 11:00 pm to maybe sometime early in the morning, I cried a lot. My husband lay beside me while he can’t help a bit. Sometimes I feel if there were a number I could call at the worst time, someone on the other end would understand, I will be helped a lot. But, there’s nobody. I blame myself for not trusting God which makes myself depressed more completely. How much I wish there will be an endo group which would unite all the helpless girls and share our thoughts and emotions. You are right, it’s more important to heal yourself internally rather than externally, because I found myself more and more depressed when there was actually no bad pain present. Let me know your thoughts and it’s always helpful to read your site, thanks so much
We don’t have to blame ourselves… we just have to take the responsibility of our health.
Our body is so powerfull.
If our body has the power to be sick… to transform is cells, to slow down our systems……. He has also the power to heal itself… naturally, or with the help of a health program with a better nutrition, exercise, supplements…..and a lot or LOVE for ourselves…….
LOVE = ENERGY = HEAL
Melissa… I would talk with you about cure……
I would like to help you to help womens…
I have a lot of litterature about progesterone cream, and I have my own experience of healing myself…
Sorry… my langage is very basic… I’m better in french.
Very cool thoughts and thank you so much for sharing Monica! That is so interesting about it affecting our second chakra. I also used to dance and sing and do drama and all of those creative things when I was younger. I also used to paint heaps when I was at school! Perhaps it is something I should really revisit – been meaning to for a while now 🙂
It is lovely to “meet” you too and I am glad your life view has changed – all for the better… Great share 🙂
Hi Melissa! I read this great piece of thoughts and it got me thinking about how I myself look upon having endo. I do not blame myself, but in a yogic way you could say that all we do and all we don’t do will somehow build up our body from the inside out.
So as for me I’ve come to the knowledge that my endo (yes, I call it “my” because it is in me and whether I like it or not I have a very personal relation to it) is a product of how I have treated myself and my body, or more correctly – how I have NOT treated it.
In kundaliniyoga, as I practice, we believe that endo comes from having an imbalance in the second chakra. Here is where creativity, sexuality and emotions are situated (as Sunrise mentions – even emotions from other people). And of course reproductivity.
I used to write, paint, draw, dance etc when I was younger. I love animals, and have always had dogs, birds and horses. As I was getting older, meeting my husband, getting a child, I suppressed all this that I used to do and loved. My life then was centered around my family, I forgot myself. As we were trying to get pregnant again, my endo woke to life. I started getting horrible pains and couldn’t conceive. My gynecologist told me I had endo.
And that was it. I was frustrated and mad. My body, how dared it! But then I started to practice kundaliniyoga, realizing and finding myself again. I am not there yet, have a long way to go, but now I have a different view to the endo – it is NOT my fault, but somehow by living my life as I have done, my body “chose” this “solution” to make me stop. This was the thing that made me listen and take some action. I went from “re-acting” to “acting”.
So now I love my body and even my endo because it has made me change my way of life that was not making me happy. Starting this healing process and trying the diet and some other things you have mentioned help me on the way. So thanks Melissa! I started this journey before I “met” you, but you have made me look at it somehow different and “meeting” all the other endo girls help me focus on what is important – my body, my life – and NOT my endo… 😉
Thank you Hannah. It took a heap of strength to share it and write it 🙂 I am glad it gave you something that you needed to hear. Hugs sweets
This is one of the wisest and most heartfelt things you have written (and that’s saying a lot)! Thank you SO much Melissa for this timely piece. It has definitely given me a little air to breathe and just sit with my healing journey as it is at the moment. Thanks for your strength in sharing!
Interesting perception and thanks for sharing Sunrise. Never considered that I could be carrying stuff from other family members 🙂
Great article.
Maybe it’s time to get an Akashic record or some spiritual reading of some type, since you get to the root cause and lesson of your illness.
This really helped me with letting go and realizing that although it’s my responsibility, it’s not my fault. And sometimes the reasons go back to things we can’t understand in waking life, not because we ate ice-cream last week (although it helps not to 😉
Sometimes with endo, we are taking on stuff from other family members too and healing and processing it for them, it’s not all just your emotions stuffed down there.
So, you could think of it as being a healer of sorts because you are transmuting pain.