My deep yearning to help you my reader never really left me. I wanted to do that more than anything else. I wanted to provide you with the tools and the support you needed but somewhere along my own journey, I lost my path in providing that for you. I got stuck in a yucky place and I didn’t know how to find that part of me that could actually truly be there for you. I didn’t feel like I was honouring my word for the longest time because I felt like I couldn’t be some better version of myself that I had concocted in my head. Somewhere I convinced myself that I needed to be better, somehow more than I was, to be of service to you and for that I am truly sorry. The irony is not lost on me.. I have inherently failed to be there for you because of my own desires to be more for you. Prettier, skinnier, more knowledgeable and more like those young beautiful women I landed up comparing myself to on Instagram.
I know when it all went wrong now …
I lost sight of the reason I created this blog way back in 2010. I lost sight of the reason I kept going for as long as I did. It was the connection and the change I was making in the lives of women like you. Peoples lives. Families lives. The lives that can be shifted by the relief, the hope or the transformation they experience through shifting away or out of pain. The transformations that can happen when we start to believe and trust in our health and our ability to heal. I somehow got lost in a sea of numbers and figures and likes and comparison.
The yucky place convinced me that my message didn’t need to be heard because I was now amongst many sharing about endometriosis. I started to believe that you have heard it all before. I was trying desperately to come up with something interesting, something unique to write about. Desperately wanting to prove that I deserved a spot. Every day felt like a huge pressure to give you that. To somehow make myself stand out because let’s be honest, I didn’t believe in myself enough to think that I already did. I got scared. Scared of the judgements and the nasty comments. I got stuck in a yucky place where I was more focused on those who were against me, rather than helping those who needed me.
It is hard for me to admit all of this to you. I don’t like being and feeling like this but the truth is, I don’t know how else I can reconnect with this platform and the readers of it without being so raw and honest. I never wanted to admit that I have weaknesses. I never wanted to admit that I still feel so much of those emotions I have been ragging on about for us all to let go of. I myself have not fully let go of so many of them. I still feel like that little scared child so desperate to be liked and respected. I still have warped ideas about how to be valued and yearning too much for it to come from outside of myself, rather than trusting that I can reach inward whenever I need it.
So, with this… I want to say I am sorry. I truly hope we can reconnect again and begin a new journey together as we heal ourselves – whether it is physically or emotionally. Will you take my hand?