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I Haven’t Been Totally Honest with You…

It has been an amazing month. I got married just over a week ago and the whirlwind of change it is taking shape and sweeping through our lives again, with big moves and travelling planned over the next few months. It is the usual feeling of excitement with hope and those little elements of fear of looking into the unknown. I think the travel bug has bitten me and will possibly live inside me forever.

 

There is however a big part of me that feels deeply sad. I didn’t realise just how sad I was or what was causing this sadness until this morning. I found myself falling into a strange kind of depression when we came back to London last week. Initially I just thought it was that we had to come back to London and that the weather was bad, especially compared to beautiful Mallorca. Then I thought it was all the challenges of living in a house share with other people and the endless stresses associated with making our rent money each month. Then I realised it was something far bigger and more important than all of these little nuances of life and decisions we make and ultimately find ways to deal with.

 

You see, I had put something aside when we went off to get married. I decided not to deal with a deep emotion before we left and decided to think about the wedding and all the joys around that instead. I didn’t even give myself a chance to think about it and least of all share it with you. A part of me wanted to share it from the beginning but then I also felt a sense of fear that by saying it out loud it would make it more real.

 

It was real though. I was pregnant again and I lost my little one… again. As I write this, the tears are trickling down my face. I am lying in bed with some Chamomile Tea to try and soothe this inner pain. It somehow feels so much harder this time. Perhaps because I decided to shove it under the carpet and hoped the pain would somehow go away. Perhaps because it somehow makes my miscarriages a “trend”, a “phenomenon”, something that is recurring. I read an article from a friend of mine about how she is going to try for another baby and it filled me with so much jealousy and anger.  I hated myself for even thinking these things. I feel cheated. It feels like everyone is getting to jump on whatever horse they want and ride it into the sunset and my horse just keeps throwing me off. The fall really hurts too!

 

For the first time in years since starting this blog, I wanted to disconnect with it. I wanted to disconnect because I felt like a fake. A fake for not being able to achieve a successful pregnancy. I didn’t want to stand under the label of “woman with Endometriosis”. I didn’t want to have anything to do with Endometriosis. That perhaps I could just dismiss it all and act like I was not a “member”. A member of women who suffer and fear and experience loss.

 

I feel like I have been distant. Distant in my writing and my sharing with you. I feel like perhaps it is because I don’t want to share the pain of this experience because I want to give you hope. I don’t want my experience to be proof of anything. I want to be a woman who changes lives for women with Endometriosis. I want to prove that anything is possible and perhaps sharing this will give some women a feeling of doubt.

 

I know deep down that I will have a child. I know that I wouldn’t be anywhere close to the level of health that I have now if it weren’t for the implementations and progress I have made through this blog. I know that my message will help you. I also want you to know that I am real, a real person who experiences the same emotions and things that you do, with your Endometriosis.

 

So, it is hard to share this blog message with you today and I truly hope that you can accept my apology for not sharing it sooner. I will no longer fear failing or living up to some higher expectation of what you might have about me. I will share my successes along with my failures and will be forever that voice of hope and health that you have come to love about me.

 

 

I know I will find strength again as I have done in the past, not just with my miscarriage but with Endo and myself, but for today perhaps what is needed is a deep sense of acknowledgement and respect for the loss I am allowed to feel. I have permission to be sad about it. I have permission to share it with you and on some level to feel like I have failed. I still feel like the gift of carrying life has eluded me, but celebrate the joyous changes I have made for my body and the amazing health that I still feel each day.

Hugs, Melissa x
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This Post Has 41 Comments

  1. Melissa

    Hugs Tanya and thank you for reaching out. You are so not alone and please don’t blame or feel guilty about your past experience. That stuff just isn’t serving you and is not going to free it. Forgive yourself for it all 🙂 I would try and look at your job as an opportunity. Use it as a way to visualise your own baby coming true. Each time you hold someone else’s child, imagine it is your own and really feel all the emotions of having that. I know this may seem painful at first but you will learn to love the feeling and trust that it will happen for you. The mind is a powerful thing. All the best on your journey honey. Big hugs,

  2. Tanya

    As I read your post & all of the comments tears stream down my face.
    When I was 21 years old I was in a very unhealthy & abusive relationship & I became pregnant. I was horrified. The last thing I wanted was to bring an innocent baby into this dangerous, turmoiluous relationship. I thought why me? Why now? I considered abortion because I didn’t want to be attatched to this man forever. As it turns out, I got into a car accident at 9 weeks. I had been up all night fighting (literally) & believe I fell asleep at the wheel. I blacked out & all I remember is waking up in the hospital bed, now bleeding. They told me I had miscarried. I felt a sense of relief come over me at that moment. I felt it was my way out, a chance to escape. I no longer had to be attached to this abusive man. I felt freed somehow, & I never went back to him.
    Fast forward to present day…I am in a healthy loving relationship with the man of my dreams. We desperately want a child but I have since been diagnosed with stage 4 endo. I’ve had 2 surgeries & was told I have a frozen pelvis & no chance of conceiving naturally. I just turned 30. I am devastated. I feel so ashamed & guilty about that “sense of relief” that came over me when I was 21. I cannot believe that I took pregnancy for granted & I feel as though I am being punished for it now. Had I known that I would be diagnosed with endo I would’ve tried for a baby sooner, instead of waiting for a good dad. To make matters worse, I am a baby nurse. Although I love my job it is slowly killing my spirit. Working with all the beautiful babies & happy parents serves as I constant reminder of what I lack. I am so depressed & losing hope. My relationship is suffering. This blog has been a God send. Now I know I am not alone, as I often feel so isolated amongst all my fertile friends & family. Thank you for all that you do. I am now more inspired than ever to take control over my own health.

  3. Melissa

    Thank you so much Darlene 🙂
    It is wonderful to hear from you and I am glad you found the article. You are such a blessed spirit on this journey with me and your amazing support in the group and here empowers me so much.
    I can feel that a child is coming sometime this year – though it fills me with fear, deep down I know it will somehow happen.
    I have heard of women who have fallen pregnant at 52. I know it is hard to believe but there are cases 🙂 Hugs to you sweetheart.

  4. Darlene

    Oh Melissa… I am just reading this for the first time and my heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your feelings of anger and frustration for others that are falling pregnant are something that I can relate to… I’m at the point that I rarely want to be around children anymore… I’m 47 and have come to accept that having a child of my own will not happen but it still hurts and angers me that other women do not understand how it is to be infertile.

    You are such a beautiful and caring spirit.. Don’t ever lose hope in yourself and your dreams of becoming of mother. We all have a journey and you are meant to be our leader through natural healing… I believe that is a calling for your life… And we are so blessed to have you in our lives and in this journey with us. You will be blessed Melissa… I believe that.

    Please don’t ever feel like you can’t share with us… We are here for you!!

    Take time and break down if you need to… those of us in the same situation understand… But don’t ever lose HOPE!!!

    Many hugs Melissa… Our Endo Angel…

  5. Melissa

    Thank you Courtney. That is a beautiful message. Congratulations on your little one – though she is growing up fast 🙂
    It is nice to just believe it will happen and not worry about too much, about how 🙂

  6. Melissa

    Thank you Sonrie. That is a beautiful way of putting it: may the babies land in loving arms 🙂

  7. sonrie

    I have endo, stage iv, 3 surgeries under my belt, very little to no pain most of the time. i sometimes doubt that I will ever be pregnant. not that I would want a miscarriage, because I can’t imagine anything more emotionally painful, but at least then you know you have been pregnant. it’s a tough situation – women who want babies and who cannot achieve pregnancy, while there are so many people in the world who are in the opposite situation. I just say prayers that babies will end up in the arms of wanting mothers and fathers.

    hang in there, I will pray for your spirit, that you may heal from your loss and succeed in your dream.

  8. Courtney

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss! I would like to tell you a little bit of my story in hopes of giving you some encouragement. I first found out I had endo in January of 2007 and had surgery that March. Within a year my pain was back and I was told having a baby would help, which sounded great to me. We had tried for 2 months and one day I was watching the 700 club on tv. The lady on the tv said she had a word of knowledge that a woman was trying to get pregnant and God was healing her womb right now. I got chills and knew that God had touched me. Later that month, I found out I was pregnant and now I have a beautiful 4 year old girl.

    There are so many trials that we go through in this life. Many of them we will never fully understand, but ultimately God knows everything and has a reason for everything.

    You have really been an inspiration to me and so many other women! I know the Lord will bless you with a child one day.

    “I have told you these things so that you would find comfort in Me. In this world, you will suffer; but be courageous, for I have overcome the world! ” John 16:33

  9. Mace

    Louise – Please, could you let me know what you mean by “turned on steroids”.

    After two early mc’s I think this is an issue for me, but the doctors do not know much about it. Any information (the name of the drugs or so) so that I could google it and find out more would be so very welcome!

    Thank you!!

  10. Mace

    Alisha,

    I was touched by your comment. We have been trying actively for a child for 3 years now and I’ve seen all my friends get pregnant and have babies. It hurts a lot. Personally, I am lucky, as my husband would love to have kids but is also fine if we do not get any, but I truly understand how hard it must be for you.

    I really hope you will find something that will help you through it, although there are no easy answers.I supposed you have already thought about a surrogate mother? Otherwise that could be a possibility, but an expensive one.

    It is a hard path we have to walk, and I hope things will get better for you.

    MELISSA -.I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It seems like for some of us, there are just always something. It’s hard to conceive and when we do, it’s hard to keep the baby. I hope things will be alright for you soon.

  11. Melissa

    Thank you Jane. That means a lot. I guess it is hard to feel the ripples coming back sometimes 🙂
    I am sure I will be blessed with a little one when I am ready.

  12. jane

    Melissa:
    I wish I could reach out and hug you. Here is a virtual hug :), I think you are amazing and I think through all your transparancies you have helped so many. You have no idea how your words or maybe just one word has been like a ripple in a pond . Once it starts it probably never stops.
    I am so proud of you and this blog. You have such strength. I stand in belief with you if a child is God’s will it will come. No mountain is high enough to stop it.
    Love and hugs.
    Jane

  13. Melissa

    I guess I don’t always get that knowledge and it is hard to recognise how many readers I have. This is such a personal condition that many of us hold it to ourselves. It is a pleasure to be there fo you 🙂

  14. Melissa

    Thank you Amber. I think I am always trying to be strong and not show weakness – this is my upbringing and yet, there is actually more strength in sharing 🙂

  15. Melissa

    Thank you Arnila. That is so kind and I am so happy to hear how much my message has helped you 🙂
    We are all so brave and so strong. I know I will….. just takes time 🙂

  16. Melissa

    Thank you Aubree and thank you for being there for me 🙂 You have been such a huge partner in my message and my journey. I can’t believe how many of those liver flushes you have done!

  17. Laura

    Dear Melissa, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I want to thank you again for all you have done for me for my healing journey. Your soul open sharing has helped so many people come to terms with their endo and above all live with it and manage it in a far healthier way. I don’t even associate it as part of me anymore, even though I know it is still there and will act as a warning sign if my life gets out of balance. Such a contrast to 2 years ago, when daily pain was normal. I haven’t starting trying for children yet, but I anticipate this to be a difficult time. I really really hope you can be blessed with the family you deserve. Please don’t feel like a failure, you should remember how many people’s lives you’ve helped.
    Lots of love
    Laura xxx

  18. Amber

    The biggest gift that you have given me through your blog is a reminder that I am not alone with my endo struggles. I hope that you know that all your readers are with you and you are not alone with your loss.

  19. arnila

    hi mel,you dont have to feel sorry for not sharing it sooner,no darling it is your privacy…the right to feel that way,and we are happy indeed you shared it with us,we feel that we really are family,sharing happiness and failures…yes we are.thank you for that honesty..so sorry for that hugs dear….you are you,you are melissa,i can see a very brave endo fighter in you,it is been you my inspiration thou life is so hard for me before due to this endo,but you’me made it possible and challenging…thank you for that mel..from the bottom of my heart…the good thing there is you are able to concieve,yes you concieve,that means you can have another chance again,i know you can make it..God will give your heart desires,because you’ve help us everyday,and you never stop,you are a blessing…we all have almost the same experiences like me also i almost lost my baby thru miscarriage but i made it…and you can too….God Bless..

  20. Aubree

    Biggest hugs to you Melissa. I’m so sorry that you are going through this again. While I don’t understand this loss, I do understand the hurt and jealously associated with infertility. You are a beautiful writer and sharing your words and your trials have been healing to me and I know to so many other women who are going through the same. Thank you for sharing. I continue to hold onto hope for both of us…. Sending lots of love and healing light your way.

  21. Melissa

    Dear Alisha,
    I am so happy and tearful for your wonderful comment. I am so happy that I was able to share my story and allow it to heal you and help you in some way. I also feel so sad for your losses and the pressures and guilt you are feeling. You can do and provide for your husband in many different ways and I am sure he loves you dearly.
    I have found that filling myself up with other creative things really helped fill that void today. Painting, writing and singing seems to fill up some inner part of myself with that same desire to create. Maybe you could do the same?
    Hugs to you sweetheart and be strong.

  22. Melissa

    Thank you 🙂

  23. Melissa

    Thank you Pam. You have an amazing way with words 🙂 You should write! I had no idea my words and my journey impacted you and others so deeply until I shared this.
    I think you are totally right in all that you have said. My little one will come when I am totally ready and when it’s new life is stable and open for it. Love your last saying 🙂

  24. Melissa

    Thank you Mara for your lovely message and for your incredible strength 🙂

  25. Melissa

    Thank you Kim. It is always a little scary to share ones vulnerability online. Thank you for your endless support and for all the love and hugs from everyone 🙂

  26. Alisha

    Melissa-
    First off I am so sorry, beyond word, for ur loss! I feel however feel that I should share with u a little of my story! 4 weeks ago today I had my 4th miscarriage. 4 week ago today my whole world turned upside down with the realization that I didn’t want to go through the pain both physically and mentally again. Period. 4 weeks ago today I realized that I, after 4 years trying and 4 miscarriages, I can’t have the one thing that my husband and I have talked about, planned for and spent thousands of dollars on trying to get for 4+ years. And it has crushed me beyond anything that i could have emagined! I don’t know how to deal with my emotions on this. The other mc’s hurt but I still had hope. I don’t have hope any longer that we will have kids, biological kids, of our own! I have shut off the world, distanced myself from my husband, family and friends. I do what I have to do with the right attitude but that is it. I am hurt and hurting, I feel lacking. I feel incomplete and wanting. I feel like I have let my husband down, why would he want to stay with me? He wants kids so badly, his parents (and mine for that matter) want grandkids. Why would he want to stay with someone that can’t fulfill his dreams of being a father?

    I know that life will go on and that we will figure this out. But I am hurting so badly right know and no one really understands why. I can’t do the one thing that a women is supposed to be able to do!

    I wanted to let u know that in my eyes u have helped clarify my feelings, helped me realize that I am aloud to morn for the loss of my babies and the loss of a dream. U have helped! U might not realize it or accept it but u have helped me. So thanks you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this very hard, very very painful time in your life with me.

    U r in my payers,
    Alisha

  27. Mrs G

    I’m really sorry for your loss. Please talk to us, if it makes you feel better. Hugs

  28. Pam

    You are human, and that’s okay. There are those of us who have given up the thought of ever having children because of fear. Fear of pain (emotional and physical), fear of failure (can’t get pregnant), even fear of success (Got pregnant, now what?). There are many fears involved, and many ways to deal with them. Everyone has their own way, and you have an obligation to yourself to handle your situation the right way for you. We don’t judge you. We are here to support you, as much as you support us. Your successes (being healthy, getting pregnant, having readers who rejoice and mourn with you) and your failures (hiding behind your fear) are a testament to your desire to enable others to have the same successes, and I believe you will be rewarded.

    Does any of this make sense? At any rate, I choose to believe that your little one’s soul isn’t quite ready to make an appearance yet. So, have patience. Enjoy your health, enjoy your new life with its crappy weather and little stresses. Enjoy your successes and failures and grow from both. How does the saying go? Everything will turn out all right in the end. If it’s not all right, it’s not the end.

  29. Mara

    Melisa, I’m sorry your baby didn’t come this time. I’m turning 40 this week and I also feel like I’m running out of time. I had only one miscarriage, five years ago and the mourning process has been long. It’s like seeing this little seed that you planted begin to sprout, and then it just dies. What kept me from going into a depression, was a balance between letting go and putting things in the hands of Nature’s wisdom, and hope. I don’t feel jealous at other pregnant women anymore (my sister got pregnant again and I didn’t allow myself to feel jealous for one minute. It’s HER journey). But I don’t let anybody take the hope away that I might get pregnant again: not the doctors, not my relatives or any well intentioned person who looks at me like I’m a hopeless case.
    The day a miscarried, I spoke to my baby. I told her that she either had to hold on tight because this world can be hard sometimes or to let go if she didn’t think it was the right time. I hope I get to meet her one day. I hope you get to meet your baby one day.

  30. Kim

    Melissa, thank you so much for your vulnerability and amazing transparency. We are grieving with you. I’m so blessed by your desire to be a beacon of hope in every area of endometriosis. You are! Even in this. By publically sharing and pouring out your heart, you are being an example on how to grieve well. Thank you so much for sharing your life and heart with us. Blessings and hugs.

  31. Melissa

    Thank you Louise and congratulations on your little joy. I am sure I will get there…. it is just a little harder than I thought.

  32. Melissa

    Thank you sweetheart. You and are are both going through heaps – even if separate but somehow together. Hugs to you too.

  33. Melissa

    Thank you Susie! It is sometimes hard to share as the emotions are so raw…

  34. Melissa

    Thank you so much starr! It makes it all so much easier to share it 🙂 I think the age thing is certainly starting to affect me too….

  35. starr

    im so sorry for ur loss. if u remember i suffered this in March..u gave me kind words one day that truly helped me get through it. the pain is still very real and i like u felt that this last loss was different, it hurt different. maybe cause we are getting older, maybe because we have been through so much i dont know, but i do know that letting myself grieve and cry for days on end was what i needed…allow urself that. please take care and know that ur in my thoughts. hugs.

  36. Jo (Dexterous Diva)

    Oh you poor darling. I am so very sorry for your loss.
    Let yourself grieve. I lost two little ones and know the pain and sadness.
    You are such a help and support to us all.
    Much love and gentle hugs xxxx

  37. Louise

    So sorry to hear your loss and there is nothing that can make you feel better apart from the hope of conceiving another baby which you will in time. There is a strong link between Endo and Killer Cells which shut down pregnancies so after three miscarriages I turned to steriods for the first 12 weeks and carried a baby full term. I did my own research into this so it was self diagnosis and it’s theory really does make sense so worth you looking into if you find the time. I am training as a Naturopathy Nutritionist so I am very much against conventional medicine but i did not want to take another risk of losing my baby so I went ahead with the drugs and then my miracle baby came along. It will happen for you like it did for me..

    I really enjoy reading your blog which gives me more motivation to continue with the healthy eating and that Endo can be cured despite what the doctors tell us.

    x

  38. Melissa

    Thank you Sheree. I think I forget that sometimes 🙂

  39. Sheree

    You have soooooo much strength to do all that you do and share all of this honesty with the world .
    You being honest is the best thing you could do for all of us . You have a right to feel this way and I believe you will still get your dream of having kids .
    Remember how much you help us everyday you are a blessing xxx

  40. Susie

    I’m truly deeply sorry! The overwhelming emotions that you are going through are very normal and they need to be embraced. It’s wonderful and refreshing that you are honest about it. I’m sure that you’ll attract and help even more women with your courage. A big kiss. xx

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