I had a really scary realization tonight. I was sitting in the bath, my usual place of contemplation, and I realized that I have been completely numb the last few months since my dad’s passing. It is like I have been in a daze, not really here and somehow disconnected from reality. I have such a vague memory of the last two months and yet so much has happened. I have moved to a new job and have traveled down the country to get here.
What was particularly scary is that I haven’t cared about anything in my life during this time either. Nothing. I haven’t cared about James or my new job or even myself. I have been numb to everything. Nothing has excited me and the thought of doing anything has seemed exhausting and tiring, even boring. The worst part was, I didn’t care about my personal healing either. I just stopped mentally trying or caring if my Endometriosis would ever go away for good. I just felt like it all didn’t really matter. I felt some sense of disconnection from all of it, the Endometriosis and my research. It felt like too big a task and somehow in my mind, irrelevant. I know it is hard to believe that I would say this after all the work I have put in, but I had been feeling this for the last two months, without even really recognizing it.
I feel like I have somehow woken up from it all now. It is like I have recognized my “numbness” now and somehow to me this is the first step to moving forward.
I guess I feel a sense of guilt in somehow not really being true with my mission to find a cure for Endometriosis. I know this sounds silly and overly critical but I feel like I should be your voice of hope and positivity and understanding and yet I have been so far removed from feeling anything that I have struggled to really give that. Not just for you but also for myself. Without that voice of hope and positivity, a cure will never be found for any of us. This is definitely true!
The good news is that I am back now. Not all of me just yet but I feel my natural excitement for my research and my goals coming back. I have so much I want to do to help women with Endometriosis and I know this blog is only the first step. There are so many women out there, suffering every day with Endo and I want to show them that they don’t need to, that there is a better way to live!
So much of our healing happens through our mind and whether we believe that we can heal ourselves. If you wake up everyday focusing on how sore you are or spending your whole day worrying about your Endometriosis, chances are you will have Endometriosis pain within your day. If you focus your energies on feeling better, working on how to feel better and recognizing all the signs to show you that you are, you will automatically feel better. This is obvious but somehow very few doctors tell us anything to give us a sense of hope and belief that we can feel better.
I hope you wake up each morning and spend a few minutes reading my blog entries and that they give you hope and a sense of possibility. There is so much more to research and share with you, and I look forward to giving us all heaps more of that good stuff! Positivity, hope and a better life!
This Post Has 13 Comments
When I thought I was alone in all this..I found your blog..thank you
Thank you! That is so encouraging and really gives me such strength in knowing that I can keep going! Big hugs back!
Sending you comfort and healing. It was actually when I lost my father that my endo really arrived in my life and it’s been a long and painful experience ever since. Although you’ve understandably been feeling low lately, have faith that as you are in control from the outset, you will not worsen because of your grief..not longterm..you have too much hope.. and for that I am glad for you. Stay strong..and thank you for all your sharing. This is a truly difficult disease and it’s only us who have it who will ever know. Sending everyone love and peace. May we all be free from this one day.
hugs from one of your sisters x
Thank you Jane. I have read your comment a few times and it has brought a tear to my eyes. It is wonderful to feel such love and admiration for something I have only done on such a small scale. I guess I underestimate how much it can help girls around the world, just knowing we are not alone… is possibly one of the biggest elements with dealing with Endometriosis.
I would strongly recommend a book which I am going to buy for myself as my own little Christmas present. It is amazing! It is called Change your life – in my amazon book store. It is awesome 🙂 It really opened me up to who I really am and what I really want out of life. I think I certainly need a refresh on those points 🙂
I hope you find your true calling 🙂
Thanks so much Hannah. That makes me feel so good and I am glad that I am able to share such intimate emotion and have such positive responses – that there are so many wonderful people in the world 🙂 You are a sweetheart!
You are so amazing that through this painful journey you have still been able to share new ideas and show amazing support to other endo girls through your blog. It is really brave of you to be able to share the numb feeling, and sometimes I think that when we share something ‘out loud’ it does help lift some of the burden of suffering alone. Everyone here values you so much 🙂
I am sending you a big hug and a sense of Peace that only God can give you. It would only be natural for you to feel the way you have been feeling. You are human and not a robot. You are real and that is what I love about you. You are transparent and you let your self be open and honest. In doing that you have helped alot of women, probably men too( in dealing with us women)
I hope you are forgiving yourself.. You are forgiven and each day you are made new. The past is gone and HIs grace is new to you each day… You are a very special person.
I have gotten a lot from your blogs. I think because I don’t feel alone, knowing that you have gone through so much that I can identify with.
So much of what you said I can relate too in another sense. I have been feeling no excitement, no drive and want to just pack it in on finding a job where I really feel some passion towards. I have felt such disappointment towards what I thought was the right path.
Melissa you are amazing … Sometimes we need to disconnect and then reconnect. No one faults you for that. I don’t stand alone in that.. You have many who love you and admire and feel motivated by your words.
Peace and love
Thanks Laurie and thanks for commenting. I feel much better today and feel more on track with what I want to achieve. It is my pleasure 🙂
Thanks Helen – I am so happy that it comes across cos one never really knows how things are being perceived 🙂 I know it takes time and that I should forgive myself this time too… I guess I just loose sight of this at times. Thank you Helen – it means alot 🙂
Hi Aubree. Thank you for your honesty in sharing this. I know many of us would not always admit that we almost seek the distraction of physical pain over emotional pain. I have had these moment with chocolate but luckily that isn’t too bad on my body 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about your father…I can’t even begin to imagine. I’m glad you are starting to heal and getting back into your groove. Thank you for all that you do!!
Thank you for a beautiful and personal article. It seems alot has happened in your life lately, and hard stuff to process too. Don´t be too hard on yourself, it takes time to heal. I love reading your blog, it´s so positive, gives alot of inspiration and it feels like it comes directly from your heart. Keep going girl!
Take care and a big hug! /Helen (from Sweden)
I can relate to the numbness following the death of a loved one and its understandable that you’ve put aside what interests you along with your personal healing.I’ve suffered with depression for years (a condition of excessive Estrogen – Endo) which def gets worse during the end of my cycle. One thing that I’ve realized is that there are times when I think I want that physical pain. I eat things I shouldn’t (a way of comfort I think), knowing that it will cause me physical pain -almost a relief from the mental pain – pain redirected and easily identifiable as such.