I remember the night I worked out what my endless pain was caused by. I was sitting in the bath, looking down at my naked body. I remember looking at it, in almost disgust at the time. I was angry with it, for being sore and sick all the time. I was only 19 so it was easy for me to blame and get angry when I felt things were not fair. I remember feeling exhausted from pain. Exhausted from this constant need to take drugs and painkillers and just wanting it all to end. By this stage I hadn’t received any answers from doctors and there was still a lingering mystery around why I was so sore all the time.
It feels like yesterday when I think about that moment. It was in that moment that I knew. I knew it was something inside, something to do with my womanly bits. I am not even sure how I knew but it was like an inner voice that somehow told me that my problem lay with my ability to produce children. I had this sinking feeling at the time, that perhaps I was simply not meant to have children. I remember crying that deep sad cry when you have lost something. Like I had lost a child already, without even trying or having lost one but somehow in that moment I had.
I look back on that moment, that night in the bath, quite often. I question myself more now about having children and my true desire to have them.
I know for many women they see this as the biggest loss of having Endometriosis – being told by doctors that they are not able to have children. Do you feel this? Is this a deep-rooted fear you are holding?
I have this strange belief about Endometriosis and babies. I might be alone on this one but I believe that there is a reason we have a condition which affects our ability to have children, that there is a reason we have “disease” in this particular place in our body. Sure, our body is out of balance and this imbalance has caused us to have Endometriosis but why there? Why that particular area? What is it about that area that makes us feel sad, angry, at a loss or any emotion? I know for me, I have always found the idea of having a child really scary. I am not sure why. I guess on some level I am afraid of stuffing it all up. That I might do something wrong, not love my child enough, not be there enough or not be strong enough.
I had a brother who died when I was very young. He was only 9 months old. I think perhaps this loss and seeing it on my mother and how it affected her might have had something to do with my fear of losing a child, of being in that place where you are helpless and cannot save your child.
I feel such a sense of pain for women who have lost a child. To me that must be the most heart-breaking thing in the world. I guess it is that fear that perhaps is controlling my non-desire to have children. Sure, there are many other factors when deciding on whether one should have children or not, such as commitment, finances emotional readiness. I guess I always argue that if I am questioning something too much, it must mean that I am simply not ready.
I meet women with Endometriosis and their expression of fear and worry about not being able to have children is so heightened. It is such a deep focus and fear that I often wonder if that overrides their true desire to have children. I have been in that place. The place where you are told you can’t, so you want it even more. Read this article on a different take on it.
The thing is, I am committed to getting better and healing Endometriosis 100% on so many levels. For me and of course for you and all of my readers and followers. I want to prove that it can be done and then I want to show others how you can do it too!
My motivation is strong purely on those grounds. Thing is, finding motivation for the reason of “having a baby” is a much better one on some levels. You have a goal, a measure of success.
I believe we can heal Endometriosis, or I wouldn’t be writing this blog, and naturally I believe that you can therefore have a baby or two, as you have healed your body and prepared it for childbirth.
This belief is set deeply in my soul. It is like the inner voice that told me what my problem was at the time. It knows I will find the answers and when I have them, in their complete form, I will share them with you.
You don’t need to worry about your ability or non-ability to have children. Start believing you can and you will and you are already on the right track. Healing is possible. People all around the world are healing themselves from worse conditions than Endometriosis. Allow yourself to let go of that fear. It is a negative emotion which we should get rid of.
Become committed to healing your body. Prepare your body for your eventual child. Make a commitment to change and do the right things for your body. Yes, some are harder than others but you can get there. You can find a way, just take little baby steps each and every day.
Whether I want babies or not, that is still something I am debating! Love to hear your thoughts!
This Post Has 32 Comments
Congratulations Esther! That is super exciting!
Hi all i would like to take these opportunity to encourage all,right now am 18 weeks pregnant
after three years of trying after i discovered these site i started with cleansing,then massage using castor oil and maca.I Changed my diet to eating healthy,i almost gave up but God came at the right time,the pregnancy is fine so far
Perhaps is more about finding a way to heal your body and to get yourself in a stable place to have a child? Like a goal to achieve and earn a child? Panic attacks and depression are so closely linked to the pill hun. I hope you are reconsidering being on that one as a starting point 🙂
Hugs and healing hun
Hi Melissa! I just started reading your blog after I had Endometriosis confirmed through Lap surgery last week. But it’s something I’ve been dealing with for 2 years as I tried to get pregnant and couldn’t and started experiencing pain. I had been on the pill for 10 years so that had kept my disease hidden from me. Your article just touched me because ever since I knew something was wrong and thought it could be Endo, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to have children. And the truth is, I’m not sure if I should have children. I also suffer from some pretty extreme anxiety and panic attacks as well as occasional depression and I’m not sure I’m healthy enough to take on that challenge. But I don’t want to be selfish at the same time! But as you said here, is my body telling me something? Am I not meant to have a child? Perhaps I am protecting myself because I know I couldn’t handle it? I don’t mean that I’ve given myself Endo, but somehow is the universe telling me something?
I have heard of Chasteberry and heard good things about it. Thanks for sharing 🙂
I was on chasteberry when I got pregnant on the first try. Not saying it will work for everyone, but might be work going on for a few months. It’s one of the only herbs I found that encourages progesterone instead of estrogen production.
It is my pleasure Zenith. You can have a child and we can take this journey to having one together. You don’t need to inject hormones into your body through IVF to have a child and put your body and mind through more emotional turmoil. Trust in your bodies healing and that when it is ready, it will be ready carry a child. I am with you on this journey sweets. Lets just let our bodies heal, the natural way and they will reward us with a little one, I am sure!
writing to you after along time…i’ve gone through a lapro 02 weeks ago only & my dr has suggested to go fr 02 rounds of IUIs and if we’ll nt be successful in that then to go fr IVF … i don’t know why bt IVF seems a big thing to me..means more expectations & more expenses…and honestly speaking i fear that expectation part..n secretly i also pray to God that please don’t let me go through IVF..i fear again n again going through these processes and there are some days when i feel extremely positive and some days i feel like i hate my dr and i hate myself . today is one of these days only ..i was feeling like m going to cry any moment 🙁
bt then i thought to visit your site n m feeling much better 🙂
Now back to your this post..you know i’m feeling the same way from last few months that somehow emotional frustation is also responsible for endometriosis ..and i’m a very emotional person who easily doesn’t let people know about my sad feelings..my fears..i would rather stuff them within myself…
but if we talk about a certain moment i exactly don’t remember that..luckily my parnts are very caring & loving..i had an elder brother too..whom i lost when i was 18..i loved him a lot n i still do.. now i feel that i didn’t cry that time as much i should hv bcz that time i was more concerned about my prnts..i didn’t want to cry in front of them..i wanted to give them strength to face all that..do you think this can be that moment???
I also relate to one more thing which you’ve said in your post that most of people feel that biggest loss of having Endometriosis – Being told by doctors that they are not able to have children …i’m really one of them…
i can’t tell you how badly i want to conceive..how much i want hold our own baby..to see that particular joy on my husband’s face..
you know my husband is very supportive and caring but that’s I who doesn’t support myself..i’m the one who blames myself for everything
sometimes i even feel that God has not blessed me with one earlier because that time i wouldn’t have understand the value of this thing as much i do now..i wouldn’t have cherished this thing earlier as much as i’ll do now ..n in some ways i feel that’s a positive thing 🙂
Sorry..my reply is too long but actually i wanted to tell you all this bcz i hv really nvr tell these feelings to anyone .
Thank you so Much Melissa for you website and for guiding us ..it means a lot ..i feel very positive about everything whenever i visit your site..as i’m doing now 🙂
Thanks Mikala for your comment and glad to share the journey 🙂
Hi raiza i can totally relate to your reply it is so cofusing you don’t know if you really want it and then you feel like you should and then you feel like you should and then there are the pressure to get better and being told that having a baby will fix it which it doesn’t all very confusing having it all out doesn’t fix it so doesn’t fix it so don’t worry too much about the option i think we will know when we are ready and if we are ready and if we are ready and then our bodies willl be healed!
That is a fabulous story Sesame! I love that you got into Colonics. I am starting to see a strong correlation with Candida and Endometriosis. This could explain why the colonics helped you get pregnant 🙂 Glad you discovered my site and hopefully we can figure this thing out together 🙂
My endometriosis started with severe period pain from aged 15. It was 10 years of hell before I was finally diagnosed. I had surgery to remove large cysts on both ovaries and endometriosis lesions treated. I then had difficulty conceiving and had another operation which found both tubes to be blocked. I was told I had a 5% chance of conceiving and a 20% chance of having an ectopic pregnancy. Did one round of IVF with 3 failed implantations. Then set up a Colonic business and out of the blue conceived naturally. Endometriosis was better after this and I again conceived naturally. I was 34 by the time I first conceived so I had reduced fertility due to age as well but it still happened. I felt a lot of fear about being a mum but like most things in life… sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway and trust in yourself.
The endometriosis is back now (but not as bad) and I am looking to gain healing naturally. You site is a fantastic resource 🙂
Welcome to the blog 🙂
I am not a huge fan of IVF as a treatment for infertility. Your body is clearly not ready to carry a child, so it is not allowing you to do this naturally…. my personal opinion. I am sorry you have been through so many without success but perhaps you have stumbled on my blog so you can find a natural way to heal the body. When your body is healed, it will be ready to carry a child.
I am releasing a beginners guide shortly….so hopefully that helps you. Hugs sweets
I am new to your site and am so happy to have found it and thank you for all what you do Dear. I’m 36 and about 7 or so years ago I went to a doctor to see why I hadn’t had a baby yet with my husband, and to shorten the story they did a laproscopy and found I had endometriosis on my left ovary and for unknown reasons, my tubes are blocked, the left totally and the right almost the same…I still don’t know if the blocked tubes are endo-related or something, just still confused. I have attemtped IVF 9 times and no success and the doctors as well can not see any reason for it not working, so I continue and will do my 10th attempt in a few months. I was told though by a doctor that perhaps the fluid that leaks from the cyst which is permanently on my left ovary “could possibly” harm the embryo, thus causing it not to remain utero and was recommended to have my left tube completely blocked, thus preventing this fluid and the problem as well. I said no and just wondering if you have any references or insights into infertility, IVF and endo that might pertain specifically to my problem. Thank you always, Tammy
Congratulations on your son and glad you found me too 🙂
I have heard from so many women who were told the same nasty things as you that they “can’t” and they did! You can too sweets! There are way better options than a hysterectomy! Why not start with my free ebook and keep reading – there are heaps of ways to help on here 🙂
I have had Endo for 2 years now, after I had my son. I soo do want to have another baby. I am just not sure what steps I have to take in order to get pregnant again!? I have been told you need to know when you are ovulating, but I honestly don’t know when that is anymore. My body is soo messed up from Endo. I am in constant pain all the time! I have had one Laparoscopy so far and I was told that I cannot have another one. Than I was told to get pregnant, and after I have that baby that my best option is a Hysterectomy. I heard all this from my Gyno! I feel so lost! I know my boyfriend wants us to have a baby. I really need help!
I am sooo glad I found this blog! I feel it will help me big time. To hear from women who have lived with Endo for a while. And get some positive feedback and help!
Hi Little Minx – cute name 🙂
Having a child is a MASSIVE decision and I can’t believe these doctors are even suggesting you go out and find a man, just so you can have a child! How rediculous! You are way to young to just jump in to have a child – just like that! Secondly, no you are right – it doesn’t guarantee a cure. Infact many women have reported that their endo is worse after childbirth. So, I wouldn’t believe a word of what they are telling you!
It is hard for me to explain in one comment but healing yourself from endo will NEVER happen by taking a drug. It makes no sense. You need to heal your body. Endo is only a reaction by your body to what you are giving it. It is only reacting because of an imbalance. If you heal that imbalance, you can heal endo. Make sense? That imbalance begins in the liver. This is why many women actually feel worse from taking hormones and drugs – it damages the liver further. Your focus should therefore be on healing your liver – not finding a drug to add to it’s workload.
The way we do that is to flush out as many of the toxins in the body that we can and to provide the liver with nutrients in the form of herbs and tonics and eat heaps of green stuff! THe liver also hates fats in meat, dairy and sugar.
There is no one drug that will ever cure endo. No drugs ever “cure” anything. They “cure” symptoms.
I hope I am not sounding too lectury – just that your story ignites so much in me about how ignorant some doctors are and how they affect the outcome of your life!
I hope you read more of my articles which express heaps about what I have written here. You can have a child like so many other girls with endo! Just heal your body – the natural way :)http://endoempowered.com/the-main-organ-you-should-focus-on-when-healing-endometriosis-and-no-it-is-not-the-uterus/
I Also have endo i always knew i had it from about about the age of 15 from the pains i would get in my left side. I saw a number of drs that tried telling me i was depressed because i would go into them crying the reason for my crying was the emotional and physical pain aswel as lack of sleep which was due to the pain. It was an off chance i got to see a part time gyneacoligist who reffered me i had my lap n was told i was right all along i had endometriosis and a 6cm cyst of endometriosis. I went to see my gynea today after having a hsg i only half have the results as the hopsital replaced my results of the hsg but gynea continues to talk to me. My gynie told me today thati f my tubes are unblocked like i have been told n its 100% confirmed then i have to have a baby im 23 almost and because of my pain n all the medication i have tried they are saying this is the only thing that will cure it my reply was but i dont even have a boyfriend at the mo so i cant jsut get a boyfriend and get pregnant over night to then she replied with well soon as u can most women will wait for 12months then get investigated but here is what il do for you if you try for six months only for a baby and it doesnt happen i will help u after six months.I really dont know what to do i have spent the 7years crying over the fear of maybe not being able to have a baby then she springs that on me n says do it now while time is on my side not when im 35. I love children its my only dream in life to have a child.Does it really cure endo or is it lies?? because before they put me on 2 rounds of prostap they said i would have a mini menipause n that would clear my endo it certainly hasnt cleared it n i didnt even stop having my periods infact i was getting 2 a month instead of one. What is the best drug to take to try and keep it at bay?? Congrats also to all u women who have managed to have a baby i love hearing stories like that because it stops me giving up on my dream that one day il get to be a mummy aswel so thanks 😀 xx
I have PCOS and Endometriosis. Double whammy. For me, it was a long journey (4.5 yrs of infertility) to get my 2nd daughter and (1.5 yrs) to get my first. I’d really love to share my story with you & how I eventually got pregnant, so here’s my story: http://foodie4healing.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-miracle.html. I hope my story encourages others!
Have read on different site and spoken to many women who were told they couldnt have children and later they became pregnant and given birth. these are women with endometriosis and pid so it is possible. Many had to take fertility pills also, Diet changes is best for cleasing the body.
Thanks for sharing Sameera and giving hope to women who want to conceive! Cleansing is definitely what it is all about!
I understand what you are saying in this article. I just want to give hope to everyone else out here, I am a mom that has had endometriosis too. For long, my endo was not properly diagnosed and was just considered as an ovarian cyst ( one that I did not do anything about.)
After marriage, I did conceive very soon – for once, belief in yourself and in your ability to have children helps and also your reasons for wanting a child should probably be strong enough. I knew, like you instinctively, that for me it wouldn’t be “easy” having a child but I was determined to do it. God has blessed us and it has happened.
It is only now that my endo has been re-diagnosed again so my guess is that it is a lower grade of endo probably? Still I have endo and it is possible ot have children.
Like you said, an important step towards having children is to cleanse your body, your mind and be ready to receive God’s grace in abundance! Good luck to all those who are trying to conceive.
Hi JV. Wow! Lupron and the progesterone pill! That is a scary combination….
I would seriously consider getting off the Lupron. Check this article out: http://endoempowered.com/please-dont-ever-take-lupron-for-endometriosis/
Check out the article on DIM for a better alternative to controlling your hormones.
Its good to read this blog. I have had endo for a few years now and have been receiving a lot of treatment for it. I have already had one child and am being treated with Lupron again and a progesterone only pill, or mini pill. I have been in so much pain lately I don’t know what to do with myself. The pain radiates down my legs, my lower back fees like I have been hit by a baseball bat, the cramping is terrible, and I feel as though no doctor understands. They refuse to treat my pain because they are afraid I might become addicted to something, I haven’t been given anything though. At this point I don’t care, I feel desperate, I was looking into alternative ways to try and help this pain. Any suggestions?
Hey Allanah, That makes sense actually. Wonder if there is a way we can prevent passing it on?
I think there is a current theory among therapists that if we are genetically disposed to endo we are born with it, but that if we have a very bad childhood trauma/traumas it is more likely to manifest. That might explain the link between the death of your brother and the fear of having children and the illness?
It is my pleasure! Well done on being disciplined and going off birth control. You will be fine 🙂
Thank you!!! I needed to read this. I think about this a lot. As a teenager I didn’t think I wanted to have children. I had a rough childhood in some ways and I had a negative outlook on the world. But now that I found the man I want to be with the thought of not having his child makes me so sad and its unbearable to me. I have been working on my health agressively and in a very disciplined manner for over 2 years now since i got off birth control to make sure I am healthy enough to have kids. I know I ovulate still and I believe I can have a baby and I will keep trying to get healthy enough.
Hi SJT. I am so glad you and I were able to share the same experience on some weird kinda cosmic level – even with some time travel involved! 🙂 I also have heaps of friends who have had endo and managed to have children. I guess it is daunting when that is taken from us, that choice and the belief that we can. I get angry just thinking about how doctors tell us this figure! 35% is huge!
You can heal and you will and then you can make the decision for you, on whether it is something that you want! Thanks for sharing and I am happy to share back 🙂
This post really spoke to me. I’m only 18 years old, and I never really considered having kids before (I always expected that I would one day have them, but I’m not really baby-crazy like some friends of mine, you know?) But after establishing that I probably have endo (and it’s unlikely that it’s anything else considering the symptoms), I had almost the exact same moment as you described in this post- I was just showering, it had been a rough week, and i was suffering from more symptoms at the time- and I just sort of sat down in the shower and cried for about ten solid minutes. Not just a pms-y cry, but like that of a loss. You captured what I was feeling exactly. I know it’s not impossible for endo girls to have kids- my mom’s friend, who told me about it first, just had a baby and she has endo- but there’s still that daunting figure of 35% women with endo who can’t. I know I’m nowhere near ready to even think about kids yet, but i hope that by the time i am i’ll be able to take it in stride. Thanks again for this post!
Hi Raiza, I can totally relate to your reply! It is so confusing. You don’t know if you really want it and then you feel like you should and then there are the pressures to get better and being told that having a baby will fix it, which it doesn’t…… all very confusing. Having it all out doesn’t fix it so don’t worry too much about that option! 🙂
I think we will know when we are ready and if we are ready and then our bodies will be healed!
Thank You for this post, I’am in the process of getting my body ready to see if i can have a baby,,I have been told by my Dr. that I need to try having a baby soon because my chances of having a baby are very low and specially now that I’am past 30, I don’t know if having Endometriosis cusses me the fear of having a child but I’m always thinking that I’m not ready for it, also I think i’ll be ok about not having a baby, honestly I don’t know,,, everything is so confusing,,, maybe is cus this health problem is so difficult that I can decide what I want, I have thought about getting everything out, I just have been holding everything to try to have a baby,,,Sorry if I can’t explain my self very clear,,,English is my second language,,,