I woke up yesterday and those old familiar feelings were stirring in my body. First it was the sore breasts, then the nausea and my first thought was , “Oh, not again!” rather than a feeling of hope and excitement that I might be pregnant. I know this is perhaps not the response most of you would have but for me, I think it just brings up so much angst and fear. If you are new to my blog, please read my previous entries here and here.
I’ll be honest with you. I don’t actually like the feelings and what your body experiences when pregnant. I mean: nausea throughout the day, headaches, sore breasts and just feeling so tired all the time is just not that much fun. I know this is all part of it, but couldn’t it be a more enjoyable experience without all these body aches and signs? The only part of being pregnant that I do like is that you get a sense of calm and clarity—probably the rush of progesterone and creativity which I tend to go through.
At this stage, I am not even going to entertain the thought that I might be pregnant. It is just too much of a big thought to have right now. I am just going to let it all unfold as it will. Whether I am pregnant or not makes little difference. My body will respond to what it is ready to do. I think for me now, the excitement and possibility will only be true when the little one actually pops out of me!
I think that they should change the whole way of the word pregnancy. I mean, statistically, fifty percent of women lose their little one within the first four weeks of pregnancy. The words miscarriage and loss carry far too much weight and perhaps make the whole thing so much more tragic than we perhaps need to make it. Perhaps… or maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better about all this.
Couldn’t they call it pre-pregnancy or something else, for the first 4–6 weeks? Wouldn’t that perhaps take out the anguish of loss around it all? I mean, isn’t it less painful to think that it is not yet a child that you have lost and rather just a bunch of cells that didn’t quite develop into a child? I know it does for me…
I had a vision the other day. I was looking at a photo of a little baby. It was funnily enough on a calendar I own which has a beautiful saying on it, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Words to live by, I reckon.
In this vision I actually saw a little one in my arms. Its tiny fingers were wrapped around mine and it was staring back at me. I was holding it in my arms, leaning on my left side and I felt this intense love and sense of disbelief that I had this life in my arms. I felt the joy of this experience well up inside me and a deep sense of certainty that it would really happen. Instantly, my mind took over and started to place fearful thoughts in my mind. However, the first thought had already happened and somehow the thought that it would happen was very clear and obvious.
So, perhaps I have comfort from that thought and that moment that it will happen, when my body is good and ready. Perhaps it takes the pressure off and the doubt and fear around it all. My body will know and it will carry a child through to birth, when it feels completely safe and ready to do so. As would yours.
I think so many of us are so deeply wounded by our pains with fertility. We wish and pray so hard and we want a child so badly that few of us take the emotion out of it all and simply look at it from a logical point of view. Our bodies need to be ready to carry a child. It is about being strong enough, physically and emotionally ready to have a child.
James told me an interesting thing about plum trees the other day. We were looking up at this plum tree in our garden and he pointed to it and said that the tree was struggling. I looked at it and saw the poor thing had a rope strapped around it, which looked painful, but I couldn’t see any other real signs of distress. He explained that the tree had heaps of plums on it and this showed the tree was struggling. I didn’t quite understand how this related. Essentially, the tree knows it is not doing well, so it needs to create as many plums as possible, so those can be scattered and continue the lineage and life force. This analogy makes sense with frogs and many other animal species that produce a large number in the hopes that one will survive.
In humans, this is slightly different. We create one or two children (maybe even six) but they are the result of one sperm making it through to the egg, fertilizing and growing into a child. One sperm out of millions! That has to be one strong fellow to make it through all of that! So, you can imagine that if that little guy/girl sperm isn’t super strong and is provided the best home, they simply won’t survive. We might not have lizards eating our sperm (like tadpoles being eaten) but we do have a form of natural selection, in strength and endurance.
We can be grateful and proud that each one of us made it through!
I get that this whole journey with Endometriosis and fertility is hard and that we can dwell on the pain of it all but on some level, we can also just ride through the wave and let it unfold as it must. Without worry, fear or overthinking. What will be, will be.
I will be sharing it all much more with you this time.
At this stage, I am just going to blame ovulation and perhaps some food poisoning!
Love to hear your thoughts…