I woke up yesterday and those old familiar feelings were stirring in my body. First it was the sore breasts, then the nausea and my first thought was , “Oh, not again!” rather than a feeling of hope and excitement that I might be pregnant. I know this is perhaps not the response most of you would have but for me, I think it just brings up so much angst and fear. If you are new to my blog, please read my previous entries here and here.
I’ll be honest with you. I don’t actually like the feelings and what your body experiences when pregnant. I mean: nausea throughout the day, headaches, sore breasts and just feeling so tired all the time is just not that much fun. I know this is all part of it, but couldn’t it be a more enjoyable experience without all these body aches and signs? The only part of being pregnant that I do like is that you get a sense of calm and clarity—probably the rush of progesterone and creativity which I tend to go through.
At this stage, I am not even going to entertain the thought that I might be pregnant. It is just too much of a big thought to have right now. I am just going to let it all unfold as it will. Whether I am pregnant or not makes little difference. My body will respond to what it is ready to do. I think for me now, the excitement and possibility will only be true when the little one actually pops out of me!
I think that they should change the whole way of the word pregnancy. I mean, statistically, fifty percent of women lose their little one within the first four weeks of pregnancy. The words miscarriage and loss carry far too much weight and perhaps make the whole thing so much more tragic than we perhaps need to make it. Perhaps… or maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better about all this.
Couldn’t they call it pre-pregnancy or something else, for the first 4–6 weeks? Wouldn’t that perhaps take out the anguish of loss around it all? I mean, isn’t it less painful to think that it is not yet a child that you have lost and rather just a bunch of cells that didn’t quite develop into a child? I know it does for me…
I had a vision the other day. I was looking at a photo of a little baby. It was funnily enough on a calendar I own which has a beautiful saying on it, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Words to live by, I reckon.
In this vision I actually saw a little one in my arms. Its tiny fingers were wrapped around mine and it was staring back at me. I was holding it in my arms, leaning on my left side and I felt this intense love and sense of disbelief that I had this life in my arms. I felt the joy of this experience well up inside me and a deep sense of certainty that it would really happen. Instantly, my mind took over and started to place fearful thoughts in my mind. However, the first thought had already happened and somehow the thought that it would happen was very clear and obvious.
So, perhaps I have comfort from that thought and that moment that it will happen, when my body is good and ready. Perhaps it takes the pressure off and the doubt and fear around it all. My body will know and it will carry a child through to birth, when it feels completely safe and ready to do so. As would yours.
I think so many of us are so deeply wounded by our pains with fertility. We wish and pray so hard and we want a child so badly that few of us take the emotion out of it all and simply look at it from a logical point of view. Our bodies need to be ready to carry a child. It is about being strong enough, physically and emotionally ready to have a child.
James told me an interesting thing about plum trees the other day. We were looking up at this plum tree in our garden and he pointed to it and said that the tree was struggling. I looked at it and saw the poor thing had a rope strapped around it, which looked painful, but I couldn’t see any other real signs of distress. He explained that the tree had heaps of plums on it and this showed the tree was struggling. I didn’t quite understand how this related. Essentially, the tree knows it is not doing well, so it needs to create as many plums as possible, so those can be scattered and continue the lineage and life force. This analogy makes sense with frogs and many other animal species that produce a large number in the hopes that one will survive.
In humans, this is slightly different. We create one or two children (maybe even six) but they are the result of one sperm making it through to the egg, fertilizing and growing into a child. One sperm out of millions! That has to be one strong fellow to make it through all of that! So, you can imagine that if that little guy/girl sperm isn’t super strong and is provided the best home, they simply won’t survive. We might not have lizards eating our sperm (like tadpoles being eaten) but we do have a form of natural selection, in strength and endurance.
We can be grateful and proud that each one of us made it through!
I get that this whole journey with Endometriosis and fertility is hard and that we can dwell on the pain of it all but on some level, we can also just ride through the wave and let it unfold as it must. Without worry, fear or overthinking. What will be, will be.
I will be sharing it all much more with you this time.
At this stage, I am just going to blame ovulation and perhaps some food poisoning!
Love to hear your thoughts…
This Post Has 19 Comments
Hi Melissa! Been following your site since I was diagnosed with Endo. I had my laparoscopy last march 3rd due to a 6cm cyst on my left ovary. I followed your healthy eating ( no soy, no sweets, no red meat, no gluten diet) took maca powder, incorporate chia seeds and all other super foods in my diet. I do yoga three times a week. I have stage 3 endo. I’m 30 years old. Days before my boyfriend proposed, I tested POSITIVE. I thought it would be difficult for us to conceive! But it’s all God’s perfect timing and living a healthy lifestyle, worry less and enjoy the love you share with your partner. My mom had endo too, but she managed to have us. I have two brothers. My cousins as well had one of their ovaries removed due to endo and had some cysts found in the cervix. I want to encourage people to be positive and continue following the endo diet. Don’t lose hope! I’m planning my wedding and before the year ends I will have my first child! Thank you for keeping this website!!!! Sending you baby dusts! And to all other Endo ladies !!!! XXXX
Thank you Neda. That is a wonderful message 🙂 Definitely need to appreciate what we have and perhaps just how much work those little ones can be 🙂
Thank you Audrey. Visualizing is such a powerful thing 🙂 Strangely enough I am having heaps of baby dreams 🙂
I will pray for you that what is supposed to happen will happen, and that you have soon a beautiful baby picture to show us! 🙂
My husband and I are trying to get pregnant and since I was told my tubes were blocked, I try not to have too much hope whenever I feel the hormonal changes within my body. I believe that if I am supposed to get pregnant, I will be, so I decided that focusing on healing was all I needed to do, and let the stress and anxiety to God & the Universe.
Of course, I feel sad when I think I might be pregnant and I am not – but I always rationalise saying to myself that when my body will be ready, the baby will grow. Until then, I visualise 🙂
Sending you hugs & love!
Mel, i have been following ur blogs and wish you good health and peace during this crazy transitional period. I also had a severe case of endo but now running after a healthy cyclone of a toddler. All i can say is, enjoy that silence and sleep dear, because if this turns serious and a baby pops out of you in 8/9 months from now…, booom! Your life will turn upside down and inside down. It was like that for me anyway. I love my son but man he is hard work! Anyway, just know that ull be ok either way and that there is alot of love around u 🙂
I suggest some research into Vitamin B…a deficiency in Vitamin B is directly related to food cravings and nausea while pregnant 🙂 Some pregnant women also exhibit PICA, showing an Iron deficiency. Of course each pregnancy is different so deficiencies may vary!
Thank you Freya. These are lovely words of calmness and hope. Really appreciate it 🙂
Thank you for your prayers and love Lisa 🙂 We can share in the hope and fear of it all together. Hugs and thank you for sharing.
I am going through the exact same thing. We were trying to get pregnant and on March 1st I found out I was, then two days later I was in the ER and not pregnant anymore. I had so much anger and disappointment at first but I have tried so hard to stay positive. I kept telling myself that at least I did get pregnant. The only problem now is every month when it is time to start my period I am counting days, and wondering if I am pregnant, and thinking every symptom is a pregnancy symptom….. then I start my period. People tell you to not think about it but it is impossible!! Your post today made me cry and I feel exactly like you do. I won’t get excited until after 8 weeks at least! I’m almost scared to find out I am pregnant again.
Your post reminded me that my body has to be ready and I do believe one day it will happen. I won’t let endometriosis distract me from that! You are in my thoughts and prayers!!
its almost like you are wrote my feelings down…i m tht crazy hopeful though …i (or rather we… me n my hubby) m excited even when i get a positive result for ovulation…n thn the same battle in my head …dont get too excited…may b god doesn’t think you are ready for taking care of a child ….and then again… whts the harm in having a pretty picture of a lovely family in ur mind 🙂
Know this well. I am in this situation now, lets hope this is 3rd time lucky for me. Doctor told me earlier that he agrees that I could be pregnant. I want to be excited. I feel different this time.
I know that feeling of wanting a baby but of not wanting to be pregnant “just in case”. I lost two babies early on, and then went on to have two gorgeous little girls even with my endo. I think some of us are just worriers and it is hard to let go of that control and trust our bodies to do a good job! I worried throughout both pregnancies and had a hard time of it with morning sickness and SPD but in the end although it is cliched it really was all worth it, so much so I was prepared to do it all again a second time, you do forget the bad stuff after a while! Pregnancy and getting pregnant have our bodies going a little crazy and it takes time for things to settle down, if you are pregnant and you carry the baby through the first few months it really does get easier after that. I really hope it happen for you, you are so healthy and know what to do which is a great start!
I’m just doing my blog hopping thing till I got here. I got teary-eyed upon reading your post. I am sad of the fact that when others aborted their child that easily without hesitation, here you are, desperate to have your own child. Life is unfair, yet we must continue living. I do pray for you to have your own child… in time.
P.S. I got problem with my internet connection.. I can’t see my message..
Thinking and praying of you – wish it was not so painful and full of heartache. I wish the best for you.
Thanks hun 🙂
That is such a cool idea hun 🙂 Totally love that idea of sharing. I never wanted kids either – until I fell pregnant for the first time. The hormones started and I just turned baby mad 🙂
You might feel differently if it happens to you.
Melissa, I think you have a great attitude about this all. I will send out lots of positive energy to you from here in Vancouver… I truly believe that you will have a child one day!
It hurts to read the stories of so many women who have endometriosis, struggle to conceive and carry a baby to term. Those who want nothing more in life to be a mom. I feel for everyone.
It’s interesting, when I was younger and into my late 20’s, I always thought I wanted to have kids one day. Then it was like a switch was flipped, and the desire was no longer there. I just felt in my gut that it was not what I wanted. Years later, when I went off the pill (not to get pregnant, just to stop pumping my body full of shit), I suddenly had all these crazy problems, and I was diagnosed with endometriosis.
Whenever I am suffering, I think that although it sucks, I’ll take one for the team. If only me having endo could spare another woman who desperately wants children. I wish that’s how it worked.
Ah Mel my love , I know exactly how you feel , I’ve been there.Life always finds a way. Sending you hugs and love.