I went searching for some other Endo blogs on the internet yesterday. While I was reading through many of them, they seemed to follow a certain pattern which kind of saddened me. Every single one that I came across told the story of a poor girl, struggling with Endo, while taking a series of hormonal treatments, drugs and who had been through heaps of surgeries. I know for many of these women, the blog is a form of release. It is almost like a diary, where you can share your pains and struggles and have others acknowledge and support you. The thing was, I found their stories so sad and they made me so angry. I just wanted to fly over and give them a great big hug. It saddened me that these women had gone into such a deep state of disease that their only options seemed to be more surgery and painkillers.
I find this really difficult. I want to tell them that there is a better way! I want to share with them that drugs and surgery are not their only option! That there is hope and there is real healing! Trouble is, they have been through so much misleading hope from doctors and surgeons that they seldom believe me or want to allow that dreaded feeling of “hope” to enter back into their minds.
It is hard for me to read these stories. I find it hard to go onto endometriosis forums or support groups. Somehow it affects me in a negative way. I feel like the bridge between where these women are at is so wide and so far that I can’t quite reach them. It is like I am standing on one side of a massive river that is flowing at a rapid speed beneath us and I am reaching out to them, trying to show them that things can be better on my little island, but the bridge to get to me is metres from shore. All they would have to do is take a leap, jump over and they would find a much better way of living, but somehow that leap is too scary, too daunting and so they stay in that realm of endless struggles and pain. I know I want to help them more than anything but a massive part of me also feels somehow helpless.
I have been there. I have lived that life of pain and suffering and even that nasty space, where you suffer from a self-loathing that is so destructive and frightening. I can relate to everything they write about, which is perhaps why it affects me so much, and yet I also know that in that space you don’t want to hear that “there is a better way” voice. I know it is kind of strange but the thing is, when you are in that space, you feel you are doing the best you can. You are coping and that “coping” gives you a sense of power of it all. To take a leap of faith into a new method of healing is scary. It means letting go of what you now know as a “coping” mechanism and trusting in someone else’s theories. Someone else who isn’t you. Who hasn’t necessarily been through what you have been through. Someone who proclaims things that you can’t even imagine. Someone who indirectly you hate for having a pain-free life!
I get that. I totally do and so… I feel somehow powerless to help.
I also find it affects me on an emotional level. It brings up so much anger at doctors for their poor diagnosis, for giving women false information and for putting ideas in our heads about “endometriosis cannot be cured”. I want to fix it all! I want to change it all and I want to tell women all around the world that THEY CAN BE HEALED OF ENDOMETRIOSIS! I want to go and tell the doctors that they have no idea what they are doing or talking about! I want to share with women who have “really bad period pain” that it isn’t normal and to share with them the importance of choosing a better way of eating! I want to tell women about the dangers of the contraceptive pill and soy milk and all those nasty toxins we have in our lives!
The thing is, I feel like I am traveling down this road on my own quite often. It feels like my “Natural Endometriosis Blog” is the only one out there, shouting this voice. I find plenty of blogs about natural cures for cancer or eating raw food or healthy living options but it doesn’t seem like any Endo blogs express the amazing healing powers of Natural Healing.
Please….if you know of any, please share them with me!
It also creates a strange feeling of pressure. I know I shouldn’t do that to myself but in a way that is the whole point of this blog. See, I feel like, if I actually do it, if I actually manage to completely CURE myself of Endometriosis, then I will have it. I will have PROOF! I will have a guarantee that I can share with all those doctors and w0men out there who don’t believe it can be done. Yes, I know “going natural” has massive benefits and it does make it all so much better BUT I want to cure it. I want it to be gone! That to me is the ultimate result! That to me would give me EVIDENCE that I can actually spread to everyone out there, so they can do it for themselves. Saying to someone, “Follow these tips and you will feel better with endo” is not the same as saying, ” I did this and that and now I no longer have endo… AT ALL! See what I mean?
So, I will continue to write my blog and hope that the answers to true healing will find me. And if along the way I am able to inspire and help others, even in just the smallest way, to join in my journey to true healing, then I have achieved enough.
Eventually, we can all then create and share a sense of hope to those women suffering with endo and spread our message of true healing!