I woke up fairly early this morning. My period pain has been excruciating this month and it has been pulling at me since yesterday. I had some relief after following my some of my pain strategies but I can definitely tell it is far less manageable this month than it has been.
I decided to do this strange experiment.
I decided to dive into the pain and experience it to its most intensity and let it sit there with me, rather than fighting it. It was hard but I dove in, felt the pain in its most intense sense. I felt the tears come down my face as I allowed myself to feel its dragging, drowning pain and let myself just sit there for a minute or two. I asked it a question, the pain, that is. I asked it what it was and why it has settled in my body.
I actually received an answer! I know—totally strange, right?
A strange sense of knowing and release came then. I realized that my pain with endo was perhaps partly connected to an event that happened to me when I was 6 years old. See, my mom had a son, who was born and lived for a few weeks and then died. As the child, I didn’t really understand all this and perhaps had buried it deep down.
This morning, I got it! I had taken our brother as this cute little baby that I could help look after. He was going to be my new little project, whom I could take care of, together with my mom. Strange memories of him actually started to come up. I remember having his little baby fingers wrap around mine. I remember him being home for a little while and laughing in his cot, with his feet kicking up and down. I remember him also being very sad and not feeling very well. He had hepatitis B and at the time, they couldn’t help him.
I think perhaps all of this stuff has only surfaced since having my miscarriage a few months back now and making the connection to womanhood, my own fertility and desires to actually have a child of my own.
My little brother was like having my own child in many ways. I could help be there for him, take care of him and play with him. He was so young, so innocent and had so much to explore and his life was taken so early on. Perhaps, in some strange way, I have been protecting myself from this pain, this loss, that my mother must have experienced too. Perhaps, as a young child, I had witnessed some of her pain and had blocked myself off from wanting children, perhaps it had psychologically affected my womanhood in some way.
I don’t like to blame all of endo on the psychological stuff that happens to us, as it is only one aspect of this condition. However, I always question why we developed disease or imbalance in THAT area. Know what I mean? I mean, why there? Why does it create problems in the very area of our womanhood? Our ability to give life, to bring a child into the world? There must be a reason why it forms in that specific area.
There are so many facets to endometriosis. It has so many different elements to explore and the connections to our pain, our womanhood, are really fascinating. I know for me, delving into these answers has really helped me recognize so many traits within myself, that I have let lie dormant for years and years. I have been afraid to create. Not just life but things within my life. I have been afraid to create new and exciting things, things that would open up my inner pains and emotions.
I am not afraid anymore. I can feel again. I can dream again. I can create again.
Would really love it if you shared some of your own struggles and thoughts on this…
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It is my pleasure C,
Estrosmart is probably similar to DIM or those kind of products which aim to flush out excess Estrogens. I can imagine they would be effective for a short time. The zyme products are fabulous! Definitely get onto one of those 🙂
I used to have terrible cravings for sugar and still struggle with chocolate some days -christmas is a real tester 🙂
I would get onto a Candida Cleanse diet and it will ease it dramatically and also help with the weight side of things 🙂
Thank you – I wish you health and happiness too and a wonderful Christmas!
I have done this too…sat with the pain, cried, let myself twist and turn all night and asked my myself the same kinds of questions.
for me, I think I buried the guilt of not wanting to have children, I never really saw myself getting
married, and being a mom but learned from a young age that was what was expected of me.
Sometimes i think I gave myself this disease as an out bcause when people ask when I am having children I can say “I can’t” rather than explaining why I don’t want them.
** On another note have you ever heard of Lorna Vanderhaeghe and a product called EstroSmart? Just wondering if you have tried it? I have been on it for just weeks so it is too early too tell and I haven’t seen any results as of yet. I currently take MSM to control everyday pain, that “deep inside you pain” that I can’t quite explain but used to always be there. It works most days.
Also just wanted to say thank you for your blog, I have suffered from Endo for 25 years and some days I understand why people take their own lives. I haven’t come close myself but I can understand, because of endo, how people get there.
I live in Canada and I am about to see what kind of “zyme” product I can buy at the local health food store ( wobenzyme, vitalzyme etc….”) and maybe I can get some permanent relief. I am really looking for something to prevent another endometrioma because another surgery will be just a little much.
Sorry, what a long comment – do you have trouble with food cravings and balancing your sugars? I am always craving sugar and I am looking for something safe to help control that? Any suggestions? I think for a lot of us this goes hand in hand with endo? If I get any fatter I am going to need a new computer chair.
Thanks again for your blog, I wish you health and happiness.
Thanks for sharing Julia. It is great that you and I are going through this stuff at the same time. I think there is heaps of healing we can do, in just loving ourselves, for being a woman! 🙂
Again thank you Melissa for being so open to us and for sharing your intimate thoughts. For me your article came up at the right time. I’m too contemplating thoroughly about the meaning of being a Woman or a mother and its Connection with endo. Why does it have to be painful to have sex? Why does it have to be so difficult to become a mother? Did my body create endo to prevent something to happen…to actually protect me from something terrible that I was somewhere in the past not able to handle or control? I’m searching for answers and I feel that my body appreciates this search so much. I really allow these questions to come up. For me it has always been easier to see female beauty in other women but me. If you look at yourself (in the mirror), what kind of woman do you see? What is it that makes you feel like a woman? What is your understanding of femininity? And again I don’t understand why being a woman is so painful when we menstruate. Do you really love and accept yourself fully as a woman or as a mother?
Well, I’m working on it….;-)
I believe that alot of the illness in the world is caused by the traumatic memories we store in our bodies. Louise L Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” describes hundreds of illnesses and their associations with the body, it all makes so much sense! When we address the real causes of our pain or discomfort, we take control of our health and heal ourselves.