I woke up fairly early this morning. My period pain has been excruciating this month and it has been pulling at me since yesterday. I had some relief after following my some of my pain strategies but I can definitely tell it is far less manageable this month than it has been.
I decided to do this strange experiment.
I decided to dive into the pain and experience it to its most intensity and let it sit there with me, rather than fighting it. It was hard but I dove in, felt the pain in its most intense sense. I felt the tears come down my face as I allowed myself to feel its dragging, drowning pain and let myself just sit there for a minute or two. I asked it a question, the pain, that is. I asked it what it was and why it has settled in my body.
I actually received an answer! I know—totally strange, right?
A strange sense of knowing and release came then. I realized that my pain with endo was perhaps partly connected to an event that happened to me when I was 6 years old. See, my mom had a son, who was born and lived for a few weeks and then died. As the child, I didn’t really understand all this and perhaps had buried it deep down.
This morning, I got it! I had taken our brother as this cute little baby that I could help look after. He was going to be my new little project, whom I could take care of, together with my mom. Strange memories of him actually started to come up. I remember having his little baby fingers wrap around mine. I remember him being home for a little while and laughing in his cot, with his feet kicking up and down. I remember him also being very sad and not feeling very well. He had hepatitis B and at the time, they couldn’t help him.
I think perhaps all of this stuff has only surfaced since having my miscarriage a few months back now and making the connection to womanhood, my own fertility and desires to actually have a child of my own.
My little brother was like having my own child in many ways. I could help be there for him, take care of him and play with him. He was so young, so innocent and had so much to explore and his life was taken so early on. Perhaps, in some strange way, I have been protecting myself from this pain, this loss, that my mother must have experienced too. Perhaps, as a young child, I had witnessed some of her pain and had blocked myself off from wanting children, perhaps it had psychologically affected my womanhood in some way.
I don’t like to blame all of endo on the psychological stuff that happens to us, as it is only one aspect of this condition. However, I always question why we developed disease or imbalance in THAT area. Know what I mean? I mean, why there? Why does it create problems in the very area of our womanhood? Our ability to give life, to bring a child into the world? There must be a reason why it forms in that specific area.
There are so many facets to endometriosis. It has so many different elements to explore and the connections to our pain, our womanhood, are really fascinating. I know for me, delving into these answers has really helped me recognize so many traits within myself, that I have let lie dormant for years and years. I have been afraid to create. Not just life but things within my life. I have been afraid to create new and exciting things, things that would open up my inner pains and emotions.
I am not afraid anymore. I can feel again. I can dream again. I can create again.
Would really love it if you shared some of your own struggles and thoughts on this…