It was only really this afternoon that the reality has set in. I am not pregnant. I don’t know why but somehow I just didn’t want to actually face it. I had been floating on the idea that I was pregnant. That I had this little secret that no one or hardly anyone knew about (apart from all of you, of course!). I had even done a second pregnancy test this morning and still I managed to convince myself that it wasn’t true. It must be false!
My period started two days ago and although it was a period, I had somehow convinced myself that it was merely implantation bleeding. It has been quite different to how I usually bleed and the flow seemed less, so it was only logical that it wasn’t a real period. I also managed to create symptoms of pregnancy in myself. I convinced my mind to eat strange food combinations and then was surprised when I felt nauseous!
It just couldn’t be true. After all, I am so not the baby type and all this stuff was completely new to me. Me? Me wanting a baby was just not something I had even considered up until three weeks ago. It must be that I am pregnant! Surely! What else could possibly make me switch sides so easily? I never dreamt of babies or anything like that before!
I have done a complete 360 degree change in a matter of three weeks. Suddenly, I didn’t frown at children when they blocked my path in the supermarket, or thought about how annoying children were, when they screamed or played outside. My heart was completely open and children seemed so natural, so free-spirited and so amazing. They also seemed to be everywhere and baby stuff seemed to just be staring at me. In the space of a week, I had already planned out what I was going to do over the next nine months, what clothes I would buy for the new born and even what sort of pram I would want. This was really ridiculous!
Thing is, if you are reading this, you have probably been doing this kind of thing for months, even years! You must have already planned out where the baby room is going to be, what school you would send the child to and every detail of your new life, for when the little one arrives. I finally understand. I finally get it! I am sorry I never got it before.
It was easier to just block having babies. My heart feels so incredibly vulnerable to it all right now. Somehow, when I was floating on the cloud of being pregnant, I was different. My life would be different. I would be a mum. A real mum! I would have this own little joy, growing in my tummy, something James and I created. It would all be new, an exciting adventure! I would be one of those special women, who would produce a child and I would experience all the joys and fears of carrying a life and bringing it into the world. I would be the one walking in the afternoon with the little one and talking to it and playing games with it.
Now I am just me again. Me, with period pain and an awful empty feeling. I know it will pass in a few days but somehow this month’s period has been the hardest one ever. I know I have been through more painful ones in the past, ones where I couldn’t even walk, but this month’s period is an emotional pain.
I finally understand why Endometriosis becomes your source of anger and resentment, when you want to have a child of your own. I never go that. To me Endometriosis was a lesson. I learnt about eating better, looking after myself better and a whole heap about nutrition and healing. I was never really that concerned about falling pregnant. I just wanted to heal my body. My focus has always been about understanding Endometriosis to get rid of it once and for all. I want to get the balance back. To be super healthy. To be able to do anything with this body.
When you want children though and Endometriosis is a big fat bodyguard standing in the way of that, it is a slightly different spin. You want that child right now. You don’t want to have to wait. You are reminded of babies every single day. They are, after all, all around us. Each month that passes is yet another month that you have to deal with that disappointment of not having one. I finally get it.
Here’s a few things I have come to realise today:
- You are no longer alone in this yearning—I can join you now;
- Having a little one is possible! There are plenty of women with Endometriosis who have successfully had a child; and
- We can try again next month.
It is sad to face a reality of “not pregnant” but it also offers us a wonderful opportunity. It offers us a wonderful bonding with our partner. We can take the journey with him. We can discuss our plans together. We can develop and grow that longing together and we can build our dreams of how it would be together. We can keep trying together and enjoy the romance and fun of it. We can build real love between us and create our little child in our hearts, our minds and through our deepest spirit.
I am really looking forward to this new road of discovery. Discovering how we can become pregnant and how it feels to be a mum… a real mum! How it will be to have a baby with Endometriosis.