It was only really this afternoon that the reality has set in. I am not pregnant. I don’t know why but somehow I just didn’t want to actually face it. I had been floating on the idea that I was pregnant. That I had this little secret that no one or hardly anyone knew about (apart from all of you, of course!). I had even done a second pregnancy test this morning and still I managed to convince myself that it wasn’t true. It must be false!
My period started two days ago and although it was a period, I had somehow convinced myself that it was merely implantation bleeding. It has been quite different to how I usually bleed and the flow seemed less, so it was only logical that it wasn’t a real period. I also managed to create symptoms of pregnancy in myself. I convinced my mind to eat strange food combinations and then was surprised when I felt nauseous!
It just couldn’t be true. After all, I am so not the baby type and all this stuff was completely new to me. Me? Me wanting a baby was just not something I had even considered up until three weeks ago. It must be that I am pregnant! Surely! What else could possibly make me switch sides so easily? I never dreamt of babies or anything like that before!
I have done a complete 360 degree change in a matter of three weeks. Suddenly, I didn’t frown at children when they blocked my path in the supermarket, or thought about how annoying children were, when they screamed or played outside. My heart was completely open and children seemed so natural, so free-spirited and so amazing. They also seemed to be everywhere and baby stuff seemed to just be staring at me. In the space of a week, I had already planned out what I was going to do over the next nine months, what clothes I would buy for the new born and even what sort of pram I would want. This was really ridiculous!
Thing is, if you are reading this, you have probably been doing this kind of thing for months, even years! You must have already planned out where the baby room is going to be, what school you would send the child to and every detail of your new life, for when the little one arrives. I finally understand. I finally get it! I am sorry I never got it before.
It was easier to just block having babies. My heart feels so incredibly vulnerable to it all right now. Somehow, when I was floating on the cloud of being pregnant, I was different. My life would be different. I would be a mum. A real mum! I would have this own little joy, growing in my tummy, something James and I created. It would all be new, an exciting adventure! I would be one of those special women, who would produce a child and I would experience all the joys and fears of carrying a life and bringing it into the world. I would be the one walking in the afternoon with the little one and talking to it and playing games with it.
Now I am just me again. Me, with period pain and an awful empty feeling. I know it will pass in a few days but somehow this month’s period has been the hardest one ever. I know I have been through more painful ones in the past, ones where I couldn’t even walk, but this month’s period is an emotional pain.
I finally understand why Endometriosis becomes your source of anger and resentment, when you want to have a child of your own. I never go that. To me Endometriosis was a lesson. I learnt about eating better, looking after myself better and a whole heap about nutrition and healing. I was never really that concerned about falling pregnant. I just wanted to heal my body. My focus has always been about understanding Endometriosis to get rid of it once and for all. I want to get the balance back. To be super healthy. To be able to do anything with this body.
When you want children though and Endometriosis is a big fat bodyguard standing in the way of that, it is a slightly different spin. You want that child right now. You don’t want to have to wait. You are reminded of babies every single day. They are, after all, all around us. Each month that passes is yet another month that you have to deal with that disappointment of not having one. I finally get it.
Here’s a few things I have come to realise today:
- You are no longer alone in this yearning—I can join you now;
- Having a little one is possible! There are plenty of women with Endometriosis who have successfully had a child; and
- We can try again next month.
It is sad to face a reality of “not pregnant” but it also offers us a wonderful opportunity. It offers us a wonderful bonding with our partner. We can take the journey with him. We can discuss our plans together. We can develop and grow that longing together and we can build our dreams of how it would be together. We can keep trying together and enjoy the romance and fun of it. We can build real love between us and create our little child in our hearts, our minds and through our deepest spirit.
I am really looking forward to this new road of discovery. Discovering how we can become pregnant and how it feels to be a mum… a real mum! How it will be to have a baby with Endometriosis.
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I wish I could hug you right now… Been there, done that (minus the surgery).
I have a baby girl.
What finally worked for me was:
1. No hormones!!!
2. An extremely (well for us, as we have nurves EVERYWHERE) painful procedure called Pipelle. I recommend doing it under anaesthesia.
The dr. burns a bit of your uterus, allowing it to heal and grow new tissue. My baby got implanted there. I felt it when it happened. Also a former IVF procedure plus tons of hormones (before I knew I had Endo) after a pipelle procedure ended with a chemical pregnancy.
3. Changed diet (gluten free! No dairy products/sugars/whites. No peppers/mushrooms/corn/food additives etc), took serrapeptase, omega 3 and vitamins (iron, zinc and calcium, vitamin d and a prenatal pill).
I would also recommend Yoga (feminine Yoga) and moving around.. You need to have your blood circulating there.
Acupuncture, Arvigo method and such.
And..orgasms are good. They work the same way.
Hope to get updated soon with your new pregnancy!
I see this is quite an old post, but still so relevant today. I’ve suffered from bad period pain, beyond the usual discomfort others describe since I was in my late teens. I was always assured by my mum that it was normal, she had the same… She used to crawl to the bathroom, couldn’t eat, heavy bleeding, crying in pain and vomiting and was always told it was normal as she has a bicornuate uterus. I was always assured that because my bleeding isn’t heavy, that I didn’t have the same problem but the pill would fix it. You know, the usual story… So, I stayed on it for 12 years. It wasn’t until I came off it 3 years ago to start trying for a family that I remembered how bad the pain used to be and it has continued to get worse month by month. Finally, 6 months ago I gave up and asked for a referral to a fertility specialist who had me in for laparoscopic surgery 2 weeks later to find that I had widespread stage 2 endo that had completely covered majority of my pelvic organs. So, this has propelled us into the journey of assisted reproduction as we’re 33 and don’t want to wait any longer. I spent that 3 years cleaning up my diet, eating for health and nourishment and aiming to calm the inflammation that I knew was in my body, just didn’t know why. Interestingly, a rheumatologist told me that I am a type A personality and that was the source of my problems, curbing that was my only answer! I knew I was inflamed, it was just a matter of finding the source. It is comforting to know that there is a reason and that we can move past it now, but still 3 years on no baby. I have lost the excitement and emotion that I once had, have lost the disappointment month after month that I once had, its become a numbness and an expectation that it won’t be positive so no need to plan or worry. So, right now, I’m trying really hard to find that excitement and anticipation again to inject some positivity into the treatment that we are having instead of feeling like we are just going through the motions to see what will happen. Its such a hard balance to strike and requires peeling the layers back to allow myself to be hopeful and vulnerable to disappointment yet again. I’m really hoping for a positive result very soon, we have our second IUI with COH tomorrow and this time around after being unsuccessful last month, I am feeling positive, like this time it might actually happen. So fingers crossed. This became a really long post I’m sorry, but I’m sure someone will resonate with this and Melissa, I completely understand the dashing of hopes and dreams and living and breathing like you are carrying the baby like it is already there and then being devastated when it is not. I haven’t read this site widely enough to see if you have been successful yet, but I really hope you have x
Thank you so much for sharing. That is a wonderful positive story and congratulations on your baby girl! Great idea and thanks for sharing the video.
Another thing-just a month before I concieved, I decided to let go and focus in the other things in my life. I started appreciating what I had rather than crying over what I couldn’t have.
It’s been…a while since I wrote that.
I am happy to say that about a year later, I gave birth to the most adorable baby girl ever!!
Funny thing- I concieved naturally (IUI w/o hormones), when I ovulated from the only side I was told I would never be able to concieve naturally….
1. Our body can definitely heal itself
2. The diet works. I hat to take out some other ingredients though.
3. I just encountered the following Info regarding massaging the c-section scar to…undo adhesions! Perhaps it can help for endo related adhesions?
I kind of feel like my infertility due to endo might be the universe’s way of smacking me in the head screaming at me “You are meant to adopt!!!” I think I’m about 2 or 3 years from being prepared to pursue adoption, but I have questions about it.
Having a Baby with EndometriosisCure Endometriosis?
It is perhaps a good thing to cry and let all these emotions out of our bodies. I do have other blog posts which are more encouraging – so hopefully you kept reading 🙂
I know it feels like a really tough battle right now sweets. Just start with looking at what you are eating. Are you really nourishing your body or is it still struggling with foods that are inflammatory and potentially toxic to it? Figure out what you can take control of and there are many – what you eat, what you do and how you think. Staying positive can often be hard work – and it actually makes you feel weaker sometimes. Just think of joyful things in your life and do things that bring you joy and you will naturally feel more positive 🙂 hugs sweetheart. It does get easier with time. Just start with what you eat 🙂
How can I keep hoping?
How can I trust my body at all?
We have been trying to conceive for more than 4 years now. I have been to any sort of checkup / treatment ever.
Everything has been so painful. I thought I was going to die.
Nobody understood me at all.
Then…I got diagnosed. 2 months ago.
It explained so many things! I have been suffering from endo since…well…apparently since my period had started, which is about 23 years ago.
Symptoms got worse on my 20’s, then much worse in the past 11 years.
Been to so many doctors…some of which had advised me to seek for mental help (!), since they couldn’t find anything…
And everything got much worse and much painful due to the treatments.
I am afraid I have damaged my body too much it won’t be able to heal…at least not on time…I so much wanted 4 children…now I am not even sure I could have just one…
I am trying to get positive. You made me cry 🙂 perhaps it is a good thing…
Thank you for your lovely comment. It is certainly a wonderful story and a wonderful outcome. It is still caring for a young spirit and I am sure you make wonderful parents. Perhaps we are just blessed to treasure these new spirits so much 🙂
Thanks for your wonderful comment. I felt such a connection with you!
Love that feeling too, of actually trying, rather than holding back 🙂
Hi Melissa, I follow your posts, and I really relate and enjoy them. This one I completely get as well, I always thought I didn’t want kids, I found my sisters kids so noisy and frantic every time I went to visit, I didn’t like kids in general. I married and still we said no to babies, a few years later one day it just dawned on me that I wanted a baby and it became all consuming. End result I ended up with two healthy little girls who make a lot of noise and drive me up the wall but whom I would do anything for and I absolutely ADORE having children. I have endo and adenymiosis in my uterus, had surgery a month ago and it seems to have gone well so far the pain is gone. All I can say is I am so sorry for your loss this month but it means you can conceive which is a huge thing in itself and it helped you realize that you do want a child (also huge!!!) Plus the best part is trying, it does feel fun trying after years of making sure you don’t get pregnant, feels kind of naughty!!!
I’ve never left a comment before, but have been reading for quite a while. You’re a great resource! I’ve suffered miserably from endo for many years, but was only diagnosed about 6 years ago. I’ve been through every fertility treatment out there, with no success. I’ve had quite a few early miscarriages and they are devestating. I’m not writing to discourage – exactly the opposite. I AM a real mom. I have a little boy who calls me mom and who lights up my world. My husband and I adopted him 4 years ago. It’s not the right solution for everyone, and I would love to have the experience of being pregnant. It’s something I’ll always be a bit sad to have missed if it doesn’t ever happen to me. Having said that, I couldn’t love my son any more if I had given birth to him myself! I’d be happy to speak with anyone who has questions about pursuing this alternative route to motherhood, if they’d like. Again, I don’t pretend it’s the right answer for everyone, but it worked for my little family.
I am sorry you feel such dispare by not being able to have children. Your life can still be filled with joy and happiness. It is possible. You can still have a child. Just believe and let yourself heal, emotionally and physically and it can happen. Hugs sweetheart.
I can understand Melissa , we all can, as most of us has to go through it.I have given up all hope on having a child as i still suffer from irregular bleeding and spotting that surely returns if i have intercourse .I sometimes wonder what would be my life when I age? would there be nothing to look forward to? no life, no love, no children, grand-children. No joy, no birthdays no celebration? That always bring tears to my eyes. I do not want this life not for me nor for anyone else. Can god simply free us of this pain and suffering?
How much i hate this disease, crippling and killing.
I am with you Melissa, I too had convinced myself I was pregnant this month and even though the test was negative I keep telling myself it might be wrong. I had surgery a month ago so was convinced that would mean I’d fall pregnant straight away. As you say though, we can try next month, good luck on your new journey x
My cousin’s “miracle baby” -conceived years after she was told she wouldn’t be able to have a second child due to Endo- well, he has just started university this autumn!
Melissa, what you wrote is sooo beautiful: “:”We can build real love between us and create our little child in our hearts, our minds and through our deepest spirit.”
If only everyone having a child, or caring for a child, reached that enlightenment!
Melissa, this is a beautiful wish and you have put it out there into the universe. I believe there is real power in that. To allow yourself to imagine it means it is possible! I can totally relate to what Jana is saying. I feel like I am fighting the same battle to have another child (and at age 40 no less) but I have the tools now (and so do you) to heal. Best wishes to you and know there are many on this journey with you. 🙂 Thank you for your words and bringing us all together in this way.
I know that awful feeling each cycle too well. Last cycle I had convinced myself that I might possibly be pregnant, then my period turned up and dashed my hopes.
I have never carried a baby to term, but I know someone who has quite severe Endo and she managed to have 3 children, 9 years between the first and second, but only a couple of years between the second and third. She was also struggling with terrible health problems that had plagued her since birth so she really didn’t think having children was possible.
If it happened for my friend, I believe it can happen for me too.
Great post, Melissa 🙂 I really am looking forward to future posts from you about how to get pregnant with endometriosis. Even though I’ve managed it once, I feel like I’m back at square one. Fighting with my body, wanting to be pregnant a second time. The emotions caused by infertility the second time are no different than the first time for me. I’m sure people would say, “Just be thankful you have one!” Well, certainly, there are no words to express how thankful I am to have a child. But why should I not want a second one just as much?
I wish you all the best in the coming months of your journey, and look forward to hearing how it’s going 🙂
I’ve got tears in my eyes. You’re talking about me! I hate endo but most of all for having robed my fertility. I can cope with the physical pain but not with the emotional pain of not being able to have a baby that my husband and I have been so desperate to have.