Well, this is a question I was confronted with at the age of 20! Yes, well as you can imagine it was the furthest thing from my mind. All I wanted to do was travel and have fun! But, my gynaecologist at the time suggested that this would somehow cure my Endometriosis and that it would be really good to hurry up about it! He said it would be easier than going for operations every year and half! What a joke!
First of all – please do not believe that this cures your Endometriosis. It doesn’t. It merely changes the hormones in your body and it can still come back afterwards.
Secondly – what if I didn’t want children or be placed in a position where having them could make or break my condition with Endometriosis!
Where is the freedom of choice here?
So, I had this incredible pressure to now find a man, get married, get a house and then pop out at least one child to get rid of the pain I was going through! Right, no pressure there????
Well, I am now 34, which according to my previous Gyni was way too late to even try to have babies and I am glad I wasn’t rushed into any of the above decisions – life changing decisions I might add. I waited and found the ideal man to marry. I waited until I was ready for all of it and there are some things I am still not ready for. – buying a house…. I have travelled extensively and enjoyed life and didn’t want the commitment of all of the above (apart from my man of course) I perhaps rebelled against what this silly doctor said as I didn’t like the stereotype of it all.
The thing is, it got me thinking. How many women out there with Endo hear this same silly statement of having babies and that it somehow cures one of the condition and do actually follow it? I know one such girl. She married early, has three kids and yet she doesn’t seem genuinely happy with her choice. The Endo did come back but she manages it okay with some of my suggestions – :). She always feels restricted by the kids and the house and the commitments with all of them. I know she rushed into marriage just to get it ticked off on a list of ways to heal herself but my question is this really the best?
Do we really want them?
My question is now, do we really want babies? I know for myself when I first found out about Endo and they told me that my chances of conceiving were substantially reduced – I had stage4 Endometriosis and they said I only had a 25% chance…..- I was really upset. It upset me for years as it was like someone had taken away my choice, so I wanted it more!
The thing is now, now that I have the potential to have a baby, well let’s say the stability is enough to potentially have one in the next couple of years, I am not sure it is really something I want. For me. Or for me and my partner. When I think about what is really involved, I don’t feel the desire I know my friends describe in wanting babies. They talk about wanting to create a home and to settle down and to nurture and care for their babies. I don’t see that when I think of having a baby. I see a massive responsibility which needs ongoing care and love. I am perhaps scarred I will not provide it with the best that I can.
Sometimes I reflect on woman who have children and I feel their choice to have them was not always fair. They often lead very busy lives and are stressed out and don’t provide the best that they can for their children, from a love perspective. I don’t want to do that. I would want to give so much more than what I felt I got. It is a choice after all. I wish we had to fill in a form, like a personality test or something to determine how good a mother we would truly be. I reckon half the population would fail!
The other thing is we sometimes also want to have a baby just to say we have one. We want to give our lives more meaning and having a baby does that. The baby needs us and it shows to the world that you are a mother as well as other things. It makes you more. Is it really for the baby then? Or is this a selfish reason to have one? Are you having it or wanting it to give you something more? For you?
The sad reality is, we are so wrapped in this notion of “reduced ability to have children” that perhaps we are not really thinking about whether it is something we really want.
This is a really hard topic and I would love to hear your feedback. Please share your thoughts as I know I have gone pro baby and anti baby all within 4years of each other! It is probably those naughty hormones mucking with my head!