Looking back over last year, the hardest event, was the passing of my dad.
During that time, the hardest emotion was the emotion of…feeling alone, deserted, everything was meaningless and insecure. I wanted support and something to change. I felt so very, very alone. Isolated, separated and lost.
To be honest, I hadn’t felt these emotions for years. When they came back, they felt oddly familiar and somehow scary. I used to feel them so strongly when I struggled with Endometriosis almost daily. I felt that no-one understood what I was going through, that I was alone in my struggles and that the meaning of life had somehow been stripped because of Endometriosis. I would feel so isolated, like it was my struggle and that there was no-one else on the planet that could be experiencing this. Even if there were others out there, with endo, they seemed to be coping with it so much easier than me. They would shrug it off, like it was just an “inconvenience at times”. I would slip into a further sense of struggle and a strange selfish mourning took over. I would get angry at myself, my body, my life and I was over taken by a sense that none of it could ever be controlled or softened.
I became quite withdrawn from all of this. I didn’t want to explain to people why I couldn’t go out, why I was sore or have to explain it all, every single time. I hated that others seemed to all have such normal lives and here I was sitting at home, again…with my hot water bottle and a movie! At least in that space, I could sink into my selfish mourning and just let it all be. I was embarrassed that I had endo. I was embarrassed that somehow I had done something to deserve it. That I was a bad person, on some strange level.
I was so incredibly young and I was so easily taken by my doctor, who kept telling me that my dreams of running a Coffee Shop were not to be. I fell into the sense of “this cannot be cured, so you just need to live with it”. I believed them. I thought they knew best for my body…. I believed them, when they illustrated that my body was weaker and that I had to endure this. It was my fate, it was all I had and somehow I almost identified with being an “Endometriosis sufferer”. That gave my life some sense of purpose for a while……..
Looking back on those days, makes me aware of how easily we can fall into this space. I think we all share the knowledge that at some point, we have felt this way. For some of us, it may have been months, for some of us it may just be a day out of the blue. We share this. So, even if we feel alone in our struggle and that, each one of our struggles is different, we certainly share the emotion of being alone and struggling – kinda ironic!
Since then, my life has changed dramatically. I learned that Endometriosis doesn’t need to be a life sentence. That we can control how we feel and that is heaps of power over this condition. The biggest thing that I learned, is that we are not alone. There are so many women out there with Endometriosis and yes, we all struggle with it on a different level and perhaps in different places but we are all emotional and we often share the same emotions about it.
Once I had cried enough tears of self mourning, I became aware of a brighter future with Endometriosis. I started to delve into the condition from a personal self discovery perspective. I recognised the attachment of emotions to Endometriosis and the strength of healing those emotions. I changed what I ate, did things I loved doing and really took each day as a positive step towards feeling better. Giving my body the best that I could.
When my dad passed away, I was really struggling with it all. I lost all sense of meaning in life and there was a deep sense of loss, far beyond just the loss of my dad. I realised that I couldn’t heal this one on my own. I booked a session with Anna and it was amazing how much it transformed everything. I had this session just before Christmas and since then, I feel back to my old self again, with a sense of purpose and that “is is okay to be happy”.
So, I know it doesn’t feel like there is hope in anything sometimes, when you struggle with Endometriosis. I know you sometimes feel isolated and alone with it all. I know because I too have felt what you are feeling. Thing is, we are lucky now…. we have the internet and you can reach out, in so many different ways to share our story or just to recognise that this struggle is not ours alone.
If you are not sure how to find others online, check out our free support space.
Also, naturally I am here for you too 🙂
Feel free to share any other groups in the comments below.